XX - Adult Puns!

A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns. A sign in front
of a restaurant reads:
   ...HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL...
   ...Lobster Tail and Beer...
"Lord  Tunderin' Jaysus," he says to himself. "Me three favourite things!"

Did you know that "virgin" is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin:
A redneck girl who can outrun her brothers.

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. "'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

Male golfers are selfish lovers.
They don't care about their ladies' satisfaction.
A male golfer cares only about his own putts.

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for
paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to
the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have
both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged
prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I
wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another
'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor.
"How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady
earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to
her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me
tonight'.
That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

The only person always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue is a
pedophile in charge of an orphanage!

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's
sister Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the
same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and
Louella has been charged with a Misdewiener.