Puns of the Day...

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an
exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble
either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about
this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said,
"This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me
something less expensive?"

A man was telling his neighbour,
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I
left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get
my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas
guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic
transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming
at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realized that I should have been
a bit clearer with my directions!

I once went for a job at an airline.
The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told
her -- it would be a great chance to meet men.
She looked at me and said,
"But you can meet men anywhere."
I said, "Strapped down?

It's about 10 p. M. On a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar
finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here
until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?"
The guy responds,
"No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on this bar
stool for so long." "Buddy, I got just the thing for ya," says the
bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the
guy two white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"Nooo," says the bartender, "Stool softener."

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police.
They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up
to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said, "That'll be two
bloods and a blood light?"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner.
It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford
to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings.
Yesterday, the young miscreants were charged in court with having
"corrupted the murals of a miner."

I put some tuna in a pastry shell and found it staring at me.
I wonder what a pie sees.

As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings.
By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to
live up to.
His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was
cleaning their teeth today.
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until finally
he had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied,
"I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."

The Buddhist refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work,
Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

The divorce court was attentive as the wife complained to the Judge
that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied,
"Your Honour, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging
documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses and pigs, the wife
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours"?
"Yes" the husband replied, "In-laws."