Puns of the Day...

The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says,
"Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds,
"Change must come from within."

I called my mother and father at my brother's home to see how they
were getting along baby-sitting their grandchildren for the week.
They both picked up extension phones at the same time.
Mother sounded frantic; father sounded anxious.
When I asked what was wrong, mother explained:
"The boys were misbehaving, and your father grounded them."
Consolingly, I suggested that the boys would survive.
But mother sighed and said,
"He's not punishing them, he's punishing us!"

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job.
"We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses
that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick."
"I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

The Mayor of a certain large Midwestern city decided to press a new
anti-crime program via the Police Department called the "Zero Urban
Problems" program.
Each morning at roll call, the sergeant finished with,
"Let's be careful out there."
When a rookie asked why he always said that, his partner answered,
"He's the Head-ZUP guy."

Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to
hear bits of classical music.
Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop.
The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.
Turning to the woman standing behind him in line, dad commented on how
lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their system
fixed.
As the music started up again, dad smiled at the lady and said,
"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"
"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman
replied with a smile.
"Your cell phone is ringing."

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.
I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash.,
Writing error messages for Microsoft.

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one
of the men asked the other,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on.
It was great. I haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then, a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife,
"Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"