XX - Adult Puns!

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said,
"Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked,
"And what would you like?"
"What would I like?
I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight.
Then, run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that.
Then, run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while
simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth.
And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly.
But what I came to buy is a new tie."

Did you hear about the new study that says,
"Sex decreases your chances of getting a cold?"
The more sex you have, the less chance you'll have a cold.
Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,
"Hey, I got something for that."

Confucius says better to be pissed off than pissed on.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't
get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the doctor said. "Now turn all
the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your
clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an
erection either."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "You're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our
colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well, my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt.
The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips
it down her skirt. Finally, the bartender asks:
"Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"
"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
only arsehole I'm sharing it with!"

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised
when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off
his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff.
I've got to give you draft."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and there is a 100 per cent
mortality rate.
A salesman rang the door bell and little johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said,
"Yes."
The salesman said,
"Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said,
"No, he is in the shower."
Then, the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said,
"Yes."
The salesman said,
"Well, can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said,
"No, she's in the shower, too."
The salesman then asked,
"Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said,
"No." the salesman asked,
"Why?"
"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave
him some super glue."

The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told
that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to
mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that
mess meant to eat her meals with them.

Condoms in Germany are called:
"weinerhosen".

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym.
He ambled over and said,
"Hey babe. What do you say to a little private training session?"
She replied,
"What do you have in mind?"
He stared at her crotch and leered,
"I feel like working on the snatch."
She retorted,
"I think you should head for the showers."
"Why?"
She pointed at his crotch and said,
"You'll have to settle
for the clean and jerk."