XX - Adult Puns!

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he
reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the
room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the
girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass."
"Thanks!" she cried. "But never mind that! Just get the necklace."

A gay milkman is a dairy queen.

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand
across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming,
"Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand
across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

"Mother," the young woman asked, "Remember when you told me the way to
a man's heart was through his stomach?"
"Sure," her mother answered.
"Well," the girl went on, "last night I think I may have found a new route."

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the toilet.
The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks,
"Wanna go for a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies.
"Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"
"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.
"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming
around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real
dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody
wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

Meanwhile, back at the oasis,
The Arabs were eating their dates.

While on their vacation in Georgia, a young married couple, from New
York picnicking by a stream, were surprised by a stampeding herd of
wild donkeys.
One of the jacks attacked the husband, knocking him down.
The animal was standing over him about to inflict serious injury when
the courageous young wife drove off the dangerous beast with repeated
blows from an umbrella.
Later on, they related the incident to the manager of the hotel where
they were staying. He said that it would make a good story for the
local gazette.
In due time they returned home to New York; a week later they received
a copy of the Georgia weekly which contained the story of their
adventure.
Flabbergasted, the young couple read the following headline:
"Yankee Bride Beats Ass Off Husband With Umbrella!"

After my friend Larry announced loudly at the local drugstore that he
wanted some extra large condoms, his wife has sure taken a lot of
ribbing.

A vice-president of a large corporation entered the inner sanctum of
its president, and said to that worthy gentleman:
"I have some information I think you should know. One of your
vice-presidents is a fairy." "What's that?" questioned the president,
"Who is it? Who?"
To which the veep coyly replied,
"Kiss me and I'll tell you."

Tear jerker:
A bloke who cries while wanking.

There were two guys in the Army.
One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after
reading it becomes very sad.
His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong.
The first guy responded by handing him the letter.
So, the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the
first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis.
 "Well," the friend said to the first guy,
"That's not so bad."
The first guy turns to him and says "
That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"