Puns of the Day...

The firefly's flame is something for
Which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow
On a person's posterior.

Sign on a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's Meals On Wheels

Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at
the beach.
And it turned out to be a nudist beach.
They were watching the various young women agog.
When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said,
"I'd like to give her a hug."
"I'd like to give her a kiss," said the second man.
And the third old man said,
"What was that other thing we used to do?"

"It sure is a nice ride away from the city," effused Tom outlandishly .

A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also
gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a
Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week
plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide
paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to... The half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Mixed metaphors:
"some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing
through butter."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from bugs-b-gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
"Those pesky little bastards!"

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said,
"Why can't you look like you did when we were first got married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were
watching the 6 o'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped.
So, the blonde gave the redhead the $50.
The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." the blonde said,
"No. A bet's a bet".
So, the redhead said,
"Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news. So, I
can't take your money." "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump
again!"

The local Catholic Church plans to bring parishioners to services via shuttle.
They plan on calling it "Mass Transit."

There was a couple who had just purchased a farm at auction.
Having been city slickers all their lives, they were not too well
versed in practices of farming.
As the time was right, the husband said,
"Honey, I'm gonna go outside and plant some seeds. We'll be able to
eat free vegetables all summer long. If you freeze enough, we won't
have to purchase veggies at the supermarket all winter."
"OK," the wife told him. "when you get done planting vegetables -- and
any fruit you decide to, I've got something to plant a little ways
from the vegetable garden."
"Really!" said the husband. "And what idea did you come up with this time?"
"I want you to plant a Lionel model railroad transformer. Plant it not
too far from the house. Between the house and barn would be the
perfect location."
Her husband's mouth fell open.
"What do you expect to grow if I plant a model-railroading transformer?"
"Hello?" she said . "Haven't you ever heard of a power plant?"