XX - Adult Puns!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said,
"Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."

Q. What is "The Hebrides"?
A. Participants in gay marriages.

A blonde patient was being counseled by the doctor at the local health clinic.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you can't have any
relations whatsoever!" The young girl replied,
"Okay, but what about friends and neighbours?"

"How come you never invite me into your apartment any more after I
bring you home from a date?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have a negligee that's fit to take off."

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown."
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts
peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and
that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."

"Do you know what Scotty did with his first fifty-cent piece?"
"No."
"He married her."

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
The man said to his drinking buddy,
"I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that
would keep her faithful."
"Did it work ?" asked the friend.
 "Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like
a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

"Darling, do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for
back in April?" "Sure."
"Well, one of them called last night to say you're going to be a father."

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening
and found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotized 7 guys on stage, then dropped the mike on his foot & said,
"Screw me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.

After two years in Korea, a Marine was returned to the States.
He was met by his wife at the Port of Debarkation and they took a hotel room.
Much later that night, there was a sudden banging on the door and a
voice yelled,
"Let me in!"
The Marine leaped from the bed and exclaimed,
"I'll bet that's your husband!"
His wife sleepily reassured him,
"Don't be silly, he's over in Korea!"

A bisexual is a woman who likes men as well as the next gal.

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -
he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're frigging' nuts."