Puns of the Day...

At mints that print money, you'll hear
Folks say that they ought to adhere
To a motto they all
See that hangs on the wall,
Hich states that The Buck Starts Here.

Mixed Metaphors:
"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."

My son Zack is 3 and VERY active.
My husband's best friend had asked for Zack to be the ring bearer in
his wedding (much to my surprise since they know how active he is)
Anyway's, to make a long story short, I always try to prepare Zack and
get him excited about stuff.
We were talking about the wedding and what it means to be a ring bearer.
He assured me he could do it and was excited.
The next day, I told him to tell his Mamaw about what he was going to
do in the wedding.
He said,
"I'm going to be the bear that gets to carry the rings down the aisle."

"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.

A woman in London was walking in the park with her house guest, a
member of a Roman Catholic religious order, when one of the city's
many pigeons dropped its calling card on the visitor while flying
overhead.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry! " the embarrassed Londoner said to her guest.
"Not to worry, " the good-humored sister replied as she dabbed with
her handkerchief at the dropping on her habit.
"It's quite obvious that pigeon was on a nun-stop flight.

When the action starts at sea,
Each navy prefers its own drink.
The British head for rum;
The French head for wine;
The Germans head for beer, and
The Italians head for port.

Bob Cohen, who is quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair, is driving to a
very important business meeting, but, when he gets there, he can't
find a handicap only parking slot.
He drives around, up to several blocks away.
Even the two pay parking lots are full. In desperation he looks
heavenly and says,
"Oh Lord, if You will find me a parking place in the next five
minutes, I promise You I will stop gambling, I'll eat only kosher
food, I'll stop going with shiksas and I'll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a van pulling out of its handicap only
parking place and quickly takes its place.
Again, Bob looks up at heaven and says,
"Oh Lord, there's no need for You to find me a parking place - I've
already found one."

Too many couples marry for better,
Or
For worse,
But not for good.

Many people hate taking a cruise,
Because it makes them cross.

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor,
"B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see
how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

Before you criticise someone,
You should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them,
You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

A woman took her weekly clothes and went to the dry cleaners.
When she got there, she put a pair of slacks on the counter.
She asked me,
"Can you clean these?"
"Well, ma'am, these pants are satin," replied the clerk.
"I know that already. I want to know if you can remove whatever it was
I sat in!"

They say I am wishy washy
But
I can't decide if they're right.