Puns of the Day...

Count Dracula, lanky and slight,
And eschewing a heartier bite,
Was growing bulimic
On victims anaemic.
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.

Voltaire was a prolific writer.
His work is full of sly humour.
Indeed, his most well known work might aptly be called, Candide Corn.

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible.
The directions were quite explicit.
The story must contain the following three items.
Religion. Sexuality. Mystery.
Only ONE story in the entire class received an A+ grade.
It read, "Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who it was that did it?"

U2's lawyers work pro Bono.

The Catholic church long ago gave up trying to convert any members of
native American tribes.
These savages were deemed unworthy to enter the kingdom of heaven.
They consider all such people to be "hell bound" regardless.
Thus they are known as "eternal combustion Injuns."

Then there was the time Julius Caesar got his face slapped by a vestal
virgin in the temple because he became too flirtatious.
Historians refer to it as the time Caesar had too much Gaul.

A man who lived in Hollywood was working on his garage doors, using a
spanner to get the springs at the right tension, when the star who
lived next door came over.
The actor was super mad at having learned his show was canceled.
The first man gave the star the spanner and said,
"Just hit the ground with this until some of the anger leaves."
Ten minutes later all that was left was a star mangled spanner.

The constipated composer couldn't finish the last movement.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal:
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have
been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your
hair cut."
The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had
long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that
Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Turns out that my personal trainer is a huge liar.
He's been training other people, too!
I wonder if they know.

My wife and I were touring the Tower of London, proudly wearing pins
displaying the USA flag.
As Lana approached one of the famous Beefeaters to ask a question, he
called out, "Madam, you are in distress!"
Both of us were greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag
on her pin was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.
Lana fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to
turn the flag 90 degrees.
"Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being boarded by pirates."

A Beauty Parlour is a place where women curl up and dye.

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her
breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,
"Pardon me." her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store,
He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said,
"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper said,
"Chinese Waiter Crushed To Death!"