Puns of the Day...

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said,
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said,
"Thank you sir, but iId rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said,
'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said,
'No shit?'

Vampires are neck-rophiliacs

A small plane with a pilot and six passengers aboard encountered
serious turbulence, and the pilot told the passengers,
"It looks like we are going down."
One of the passengers said,
"Skipper, I know how to pray."
"Good," replied the pilot, "You pray while the rest of us put on our
parachutes - we're one short."

Mixed metaphors:
"Beware my friend, you are skating on hot water."

My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him the neck
tag on his shirt was hanging out.
"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented,
"I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."
I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."

Dracula got into his casket one July.
As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a youg guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These' she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce."
She then asked,
"What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered,
"They send us on bus tours!"

How about the classic line from "Young Frankenstein" in which Marty
Feldman admits the brain he stole was one from someone named Abby
Normal?
I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding.
I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it.
So, I asked the clerk,
"Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?" He said,
"Seventy-five dollars."
I said,
"What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."
He said,
"Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure
that the folks working the overnight shift were fed.
After all, at the time, there weren't any all night diners open in the town.
To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixings and
snacks for the city desk reporters and staff.
One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last
article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was
any food left.
"Yeah, I think there's a piece of cake left, but it's not for you."
"Why not?" asked the editor.
"Because you can't have your cake and edit, too!"

I'm not the man I used to be,
So, why should I have to pay off his debts?

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen sie deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him. "
Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't
do him any good."