Airline Stories

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit

where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when

a flight attendant announced, "People, people! We're not picking out

furniture here ... find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,

The pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude &

will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort & to

enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4

ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed & was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice

came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,

a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure

as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest

Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the

buckle, & pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt &, if you

don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your

face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,

pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds,

But we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, &

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of

An emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with

Our compliments." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy & bumpy day: During the final approach, the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

Flight Attendant said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please

remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis

what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had

hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the 1st officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,

smile, & give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light

of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?" The little old lady asked, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on

with, "Ladies & Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash

& the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared & the warning bells are silenced,

we'll open the door & you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to

thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we

hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies & gentlemen, if you

wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing & if you

can light'em, you can smoke'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a

Comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies & gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is

good &, therefore, we should have a smooth & uneventful flight. Now sit

back & relax... OH, MY GOD!!" Silence followed, & after a few minutes, the

captain came back on the intercom & said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I

scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant

accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing; you should

see the back of mine!"