XX - Adult Puns!

The following was seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish TV channel:.
The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name
forward for a surprise game-show - she idolised teenage pop star
"Ricky martin" - and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed
throughout the house.
The house was then left empty with Ricky martin hidden in the wardrobe
in the girl's bedroom, all set to give the daughter a wonderful
surprise.
However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty,
the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the
fridge and removed a tin of pati. At this stage the live TV audience
is wondering what the hell is going on.
She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
remove all her clothes and spread pati all over her triangle of
womanhood (at this stage Ricky martin is still hidden inside the
wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the
bed with pati all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then
calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles
down to his favourite meal of "pati on a bed of seaweed".
At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very
embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!
Consequently, sales of tinned pati have rocketed.

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, maam." the clerk gestures with his finger.
"Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Tender love:
Two gays with haemorrhoids.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door,
back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I
got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
The guy with his eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

A philosophical friend of ours points out that at cocktail parties the
men usually stand around getting stiff, and the women are usually
tight, but when they get home they frequently find that neither is
either.
.
A guy stops by to visit his friend.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me
my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say,
"That can't be!" He replies,
"OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
The father shouts back...
"Yes, both of them!"

Confucius says woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot, not sanitary.

Dave sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned.
Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man.
Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and started to plan a
course of action.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his soon to be ex-mother- in- law.
She believed that there was no doubt a good explanation for her
daughter's behaviour. Dave told her to buzz off.
The next day his mother-in-law called again.
"Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I tell you there was an
explanation? I just got through talking to your wife. She never got
your e-mail! It's all your fault!"