Poetic Fight between WIFE and HUSBAND

A good and civil way to have a fight  instead of getting physical....

Poems for WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created food.
He saw me thirsty, he created water.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you

 

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A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.
For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.....
The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,
He just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council
And asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the
zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the
attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on
the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or
France or Italy is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine
installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up
every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated
at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ......
And no one even knows his name.

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Calls Received at a Public Golf Course

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  What are your green fees?
Staff:  38 dollars.
Caller:  Does that include golf?
Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, I need to get some information from you.
First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.
What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late.
Can you still get me out early?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a
bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff:  You mean a driving range?
Caller:  No, that's not it.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff:  Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller:  Yes.
Staff:  We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff:  Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller:  What's the next time after that?
Staff:  We have one at 10:22.
Caller:  We'll take that one.  It will be a bit warmer.

Staff:  Go lf course, may I help you?
Caller:  How much to play golf today?
Staff:  25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller:  38 dollars?
Staff:  No, 38 yen.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff:  What time would you like?
Caller:  What times do you have?
Staff:  What time of the day?
Caller:  Any time.
Staff:  Morning or afternoon?
Caller:  Whenever.
Staff:  We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon.
Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller:  No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Do you have a dress code?
Staff:  Yes, we do.  We require soft spikes.
Caller:  How about clothes?
Staff:  Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:  Yes.
Caller:  How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff:  Sorry, we're all out of large balls.
But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff:  Sure, what time would you like?
Caller:  Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock.
In the morning, if possible.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff:  Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller:  How much to rent a bag?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes,
My husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole.
How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:  Yes.
Caller:  How much for a large bucket?
Staff:  Four dollars.
Caller:  Does that include the balls?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff:  Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller:  And what time does that start?

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff:  OK, what would you like to know?
Caller:  I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff:  Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and
said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?

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Puns of the Day!

Many years ago, there was a small town that had several bakeries.
One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn.
He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state.
Not only that, but they were also the least expensive.
Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn
always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's
aunts'.

Even though Sigmund Freud was terribly addicted to cocaine, he
actually died when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the
tub, he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly.
Might this be another Freudian slip?

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed
into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.
Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a
repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy
substance on it. Then, they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
Astonishing! Said the truck driver to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.

Puns are for children,
Not groan readers.

Scientists found a way to clone a bit of Shakespeare's DNA and
recreate The Great Bard. Naturally, ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN were vying
with each other to get him on their networks.
When they approached Mr. S with their offers, how did he respond?
TV or not TV, that is the question.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert.
They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to
die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.
They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
No, replies the Bedouin stall owner,
"I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So, off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.
"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told,
"Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says,
"This is a trifle bazaar."

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people.

Steve was laid up at home with the flu.
His fiancee called and volunteered to stop by, fix dinner, and play nursemaid.
He declined, not wanting to pass the flu on to her.
"Okay, honey," she told him. "We'll wait until after we get married.
Then we'll spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
hometown for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter,
"What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter says,
"Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is
called a grandparent.
A woman bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery, but after only a
few weeks, its leaves shriveled and it appeared to be on its last
legs.
She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said
the manager. "Good," she replied. "What is it?
He said,
"Autumn."

It is rumoured that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians.
He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans.
It seems his telegram read,
"How about a Czech mate?"

The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles inched along for almost
an hour until a man finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in
this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture and reassured him,
"It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you
over, anyway."

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XX - Adult Puns!

It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and
everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short
sleeve golf shirts.
Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee.
At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a
well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off.
Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his
golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what
was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members:
The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her
right breast fully exposed.
The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde
in no uncertain terms,
"Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire."
"What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied.
"Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed.
"What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously.
"Well, it's not exactly your blouse, you're not wearing a bra, and
your blouse is open, and your right breast is exposed," he stammered.
The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly
glanced over towards her empty golf cart.
"Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called
me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh... She just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"
I said,
"So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy,
But then, happy got out so they all started feeling grumpy instead.

"John and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and
started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Nadine.
"Well," said Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and
your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'"
"Yeah" says Nadine.
Jill replies,
"I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

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The Real Story about Clinton

At last, the true story. Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a
state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and
they had to get a
replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told
that this was the
best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of
Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good
chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup
tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to
have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to
excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the
cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By
now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a
door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized
to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with
his trousers around his knees.

 As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the
President whisper in a barely audible voice in his Southern drawl,
"Sack my cook."

And that, my friend, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

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SENIOR HALLOWEEN

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your Balance and fall over.

6.  People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
     And you're not wearing a mask.

5.  When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'
 And can't remember the rest.

4.  By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2.  You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

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Puns of the Day...

The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says,
"Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds,
"Change must come from within."

I called my mother and father at my brother's home to see how they
were getting along baby-sitting their grandchildren for the week.
They both picked up extension phones at the same time.
Mother sounded frantic; father sounded anxious.
When I asked what was wrong, mother explained:
"The boys were misbehaving, and your father grounded them."
Consolingly, I suggested that the boys would survive.
But mother sighed and said,
"He's not punishing them, he's punishing us!"

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job.
"We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses
that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick."
"I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

The Mayor of a certain large Midwestern city decided to press a new
anti-crime program via the Police Department called the "Zero Urban
Problems" program.
Each morning at roll call, the sergeant finished with,
"Let's be careful out there."
When a rookie asked why he always said that, his partner answered,
"He's the Head-ZUP guy."

Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to
hear bits of classical music.
Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop.
The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.
Turning to the woman standing behind him in line, dad commented on how
lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their system
fixed.
As the music started up again, dad smiled at the lady and said,
"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"
"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman
replied with a smile.
"Your cell phone is ringing."

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.
I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash.,
Writing error messages for Microsoft.

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one
of the men asked the other,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on.
It was great. I haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then, a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife,
"Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

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Puns of the Day...

Dracula got into his casket one July.
As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."

Sure, many wonders I have seen, but none more wondrous than the
strange dance performed by the Pachacuti Inca Indians.
This sacred dance is only performed once a year at a certain time, and
it's called the "Putcha Dance." We travelled many days and nights
braving harsh conditions, insects and snakes, until we finally arrived
at the village.
We brought with us filming and sound eguipment so the dance could be documented.
When the time came close we set up our equipment, the tribe formed a
large circle and the chief raising his hands in the air announced,
"The time has come," and continued with, "Putcha right foot in, putcha
right foot out. Putcha right foot in and you shake it all about."

Book:
"Always Bring An Umbrella" by Justin Case

Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, when he
came face to face with a rival Rabbi.
The street was too narrow for the two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily,
"I never make way for fools"
Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said,
"I always do."

Ad: Our bikinis are exciting.
They are simply the tops.

A fellow went to a Halloween costume party dressed in only a grass skirt.
The theme of the party was "My Favourite Song" and attendees were
supposed to dress as that song title. When the judging was set to
begin, the fellow realized that the woman in line next to him was
nude, and quite attractive.
The judges asked the naked lady what song her "costume" represented.
She smiled coyly, and said.
"Just As I Am". The judges then asked the fellow in the grass skirt
which song his costume depicted, and he replied,
"It was going to be "Little Grass Shack in Hawaii, but since that
naked broad showed up, I changed it to "Coming Through The Rye!"

When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned.
Unlike the women in Los Angeles, who usually get stoned before they
commit adultery.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that
were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves
of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't know why
you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

The cross-eyed seamstress never had a period because she couldn't mend straight.

Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families.
They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature.
The little girl squatted and did the necessary.
On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy
who was relieving himself against a tree.
"Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

"I have never accidentally created a spoonerism, but if I did, it'd be
a wood gun," Tom transposed.

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XX - Adult Puns!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the other end.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200!"

The Chinese tuna fisherman was always on the lookout for yellow tail.

At school, Johnny's class is learning about medicines.
The teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what
they are used for.
When it was Johnny's turn he said,
"Viagra."
"And what is it used for, Johnny?"
"It is used for diarrhea."
"And who told you this, Johnny"
"Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,
"Take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I'd got
the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said
"You're pulling my leg"

The egg said to the boiling water,
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

My son asked me the other day,
"Daddy, why were you and Mommy wrestling in bed last night?"
I said,
"Because Mommy likes to wrestle with Daddy. She thinks she's good at
it, but she always ends up getting pinned."
" I want to wrestle with Mommy too!" he announced.
"I'm sorry, son," I said. "You're not old enough and we're not in Arkansas."

A guy who is afraid to use a condom is a rubber chicken.

While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to
discover a large carrot under the pillow.
When Mary Jo came home, mother demanded an explanation of the carrot.
"Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past
few weeks that carrot has been my husband."
"well," the mother replied, "consider yourself a widow, because your
husband just went into tonight's stew!"

A blond guy was overheard to say at the hospital,
"My wife just delivered twins."
"So! You should be happy! Why are you so angry?"
"I want to know which Son of a Bitch is the father of the second child!"

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Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...

A 'Rock Hudson' -
A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' -
From one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' -
Butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' -
Didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King' -
Over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'-
Got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' -
Should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' -
Shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' -
Safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' -
A little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' -
Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'Ted Kennedy' -
Goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' -
Too much wrist action.

A 'Sonny Bono' -
Straight into the trees.

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IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires!

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"Rabbi's 25th Anniversary"

A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its
Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii
for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his
hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on
the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something
extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you.

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what
were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral
leader of our religious community! I am very angry with
you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get
dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going?
I'm not angry with you."

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Puns of the Day...

Book Title:
"Modern Accounting" by Cook, Books, and Hyde.

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
 What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says,
"Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks,
"What's a football wedding?"
The other says,
"She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Loquacious:
She ran into that tree because she often doesn't LOQUACIOUS going.

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said,
"My wife was reading 'A Tale Of Two Cities'. And she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny." the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'The
Three Musketeers', and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,
"When I left the house, my wife was reading, 'Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves'!"

Headline:
Party Pooper Turns Out To Be Port-O-Let Salesman

One Sunday, the communion steward at the Lutheran church prepared
communion with a twist.
When it came time to uncover the elements, the pastor noticed the
grape juice looked darker than usual, but he thought nothing of it and
began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each
recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look;
When it came time for the pastor to receive, he discovered why the
strange looks:
The juice was prune juice!
After mass, one parishoner opined,
"Perhaps this is a Divine commentary on our spirituality, we need a
little loosening up!"

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is
That they have a common enemy.

And Adam was very happy with Eve, his new companion.
One day while having another discussion with God, Adam asked God,
"Why did you create Eve with such beautiful, gorgeous hair?"
And God answered,
"Well, that is so you would like her better."
And Adam, still questioning, asked
"But why did you create that cute little nose on her like that?"
And God answered with a chuckle,
"I did that so you would like her better!"
"Oh!", exclaimed a now more understanding Adam.
"So that's why you created her with such a (and Adam did a gesture
with both of his hands indicating the voluptuous body of a woman) I
see now, so I would like her better!" And they both laughed together.
"But why," Adam just had to get the last word in, "Why did you create
her to be so stupid?"
And God answered without a single hesitation,
"That, my friend, is so she would like you better!"

A Freudian slip is,
When you say one thing but mean your mother.

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every
moment of it.
He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums.
This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a
scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating
was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions.
The third person offered the neighbours plugs for their ears;
A fourth gave the boy a book;
A fifth gave the neighbours books that described a method of
controlling anger through biofeedback;
A sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.
None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation.
He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked,
"I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

Our lives are ova before they've begun.

A man wanted to become a priest,
So, he went to a theological college to en roll.
But when he arrived, he was met at the gates, and given his degree
without even having to step into the college.
When he asked why,
They said that it had been pre-ordained.
 

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XX - Adult Puns!

A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party.
Madonna spied him and started flirting with him.
"Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like."
"Well," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom.
She removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session
of mad passionate lovemaking with him.
After they were done, she again asked suggestively,
"Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?"
"Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl, "I could still use that
piece of ass for my drink."

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD.
But it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

The blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that location.
She responds,
"It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay
for what you did." "Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I
pay twice."

Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Johnny to
ask where she could find a taxidermist.
Johnny said he did not know what the word meant.
She explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.
Johnny said,
"Oh hell, we have got plenty of them around here, only we call them
sheepherders!"

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness.
As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar, she was
distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Shay, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an asshole in there."

The doctor was lecturing a class on sex.
He asked,
"Do you know what the first oral contraceptive was?"
A coed said,
"No."
The doctor replied,
"Exactly!"

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A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer

There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the
prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks
it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is
very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they
drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One
time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his
bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

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The Irish Father...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.  Upon her
return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child?   Why did ye not write to
us, not even a line?   Why didn't ye call?   Can ye not understand
what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!   You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad, as ye wish.   I just came back to give mom this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million
savings certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex.   And
for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes
a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now, what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half  to death, girl!   I thought ye said
a Protestant!   Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!'

 

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The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy
Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in
the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean,
Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made
with Ken's balls.

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I wish I was a fetus..

I wish I was a fetus
I never would be bored,
Sitting in my uterus
Swingin' on my cord.

To worry the obstetricians
I'd be a proper beast,
I'd change position on the hour
-Transverse, oblique, then breech!

To student midwives, I'd present
A mystifying case
I'd hide myself in the os
& leave an empty space.

I'd tie my cord into a knot
& wave it through the cervix
I'd give the mid-wives such a shock
-& laugh off all my cervix!

And when my membranes rupture
I'd be a right ol' pest
Presenting large diameters
I'd transversely arrest.

I'd tell my pal placenta
To get himself detached.
To theatre then the lot of us,
would pronto be dispatched!

And when they start to Caesar
I'd laugh & think "Tee-Hee Hee"
When no one else is looking,
I'd come vaginally!!

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Thanks to friends and family...

I want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South
American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least" 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes", a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. . .

If you do not forward  this bad luck will follow you for the rest of
your life ;-)

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

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Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow..
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes
from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse
.... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night

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Lizard Birth...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out  LOUD!

Overview:
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm!)

By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . Um . . . Masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... That ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . Its. .
Teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

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The Undertaker's Black Eye

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick
up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body
bag, because he had this huge erection!

Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying
on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "It was the wrong bloody room"!!

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Puns of the Day...

There's a man that I know who's named Rex.
Many buildings he daily dissects.
An explosive device,
He has found, works quite nice
For his firm. It's named Edifice Wrecks.
(Kirk Miller)

The witches favourite singer is Robert Ghoulet

A college freshman comes home after being away all semester.
Her father looks her up and down, then says,
"Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement.
Finally, he shouts,
"Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"

If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. Or wait,
Henry IV part II?

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands and wave.
As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said,
"Prove wisdom of old Chinese saying:
'Many hands make light work."

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop, and bought ten drills.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police
raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said,
"Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered,
"Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."
To the police officer, he then said,
"No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister,
"Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied,
"No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked,
"Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied,
"With whom?"

Birthday candles are for people who want to make light of their age.

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and
they came to a dark woods.
"All right, kids," she ordered, "Line up, and whatever happens, don't
shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down
and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly
at the end of the line.
As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "When you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
They will be for people who love meat tender.

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation.
Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell
from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.
When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

A Hurricane is an aid to assist an elderly person in keeping up with
his grandchildren on their daily walk.

A moccasin maker worked for a tribe of native Americans.
They were unusual in that once they were mature and grown, all of
their feet and therefore all of their moccasins were the same size.
The shomaker was able to invent a device, a kind of model, to help him
make the needed foot coverings for the entire tribe.
His device was called the last of the Mohicans.

Kama sutra:
The surgeon has finished the operation.
Now we're only waiting for the intern to KAMA SUTRA the incision.

As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone.
One man who called to place an order had a nice voice.
When he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer
mine as well.
"Um," he stammered, "I was talking about my purchase-order number."

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XX - Adult Puns!

A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns. A sign in front
of a restaurant reads:
   ...HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL...
   ...Lobster Tail and Beer...
"Lord  Tunderin' Jaysus," he says to himself. "Me three favourite things!"

Did you know that "virgin" is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin:
A redneck girl who can outrun her brothers.

Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said,
"I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. "'Prove it."
So, Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel.

Male golfers are selfish lovers.
They don't care about their ladies' satisfaction.
A male golfer cares only about his own putts.

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for
paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to
the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have
both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged
prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I
wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another
'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor.
"How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady
earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to
her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me
tonight'.
That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

The only person always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue is a
pedophile in charge of an orphanage!

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's
sister Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the
same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and
Louella has been charged with a Misdewiener.

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Pretty Female Urologist

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then
while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".   Now turn over on your left side and again,
while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

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Adult Puns!

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
honeymoon'.
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
"Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain't never been with a man b'fore."
"What?" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head.
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
into his truck, down the mountain, straight to his parents house,
rushes inside screaming,
"Hey, Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!"
His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
"Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
"Well, Betty-Sue an' I was in the cabin, and she tol' me she ain't
never been with a man' afore, so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back
here quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says
"Son, Ya do NE the right thing. Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her
family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!"

Pimp:
Public relations man for a pubic relations girl.

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw
their client's wife in bed with another man.
"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

"How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" he asked.
"Four or five," she retorted. "And don't call me 'Dizzy'!"

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

Men want to marry virgins because they can't stand criticism.

I think one of the most difficult parts about being a mad scientist
who turns himself into a human fly would be standing at the lab's
vending machine, trying to decide if you should get the Salted Crap
Roll or the Feces Pieces.
Homosexuals like chess because every so often,
They have to sacrifice a queen.

Three women were sitting in an obstetrician's waiting room for their
appointments.
The redhead announces proudly,
"I'm going to have a boy!"
"How do you know?" one of the others asked. "I was on top, so I'm
going to have a boy." The brunette says,
"Well, I'm going to have a girl!"
"How do you know?" the others ask.
"I was on the bottom, so I'll have a girl."
With that, they turn to look at the blonde who promptly bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the others ask.
The blonde looks up and cries,
"I'm going to have a puppy!"

Marvin:
"Let's wait 'til June to get married. It won't be long until June."
Girl Friend:
"How much longer will it be then?"

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and
Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another
for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive
that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

I can only assume the guy who named Viagra didn't think of Peniscillin first. (
Les Gartell and his band were playing at a large theatre and the
program for the evening was dedicated to all married couples
celebrating their wedding anniversaries.
In honour of newlyweds, he played,
"I Didn't Sleep a Wink Last Nite."
In honor of couples married five years, he played, "Nite and Day."
In honour of couples married 10 years he played,
"Now and Then."
In honour of couples married 15 years, he played,
"Once in a While."
Just as he was ready to honour the couples married 25 years, someone
sitting in the rear said,
"Just a minute, sir. Before you play 'Memories,' please play, 'We Did
It Before and We Can Do. It Again.'"

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XX - Adult Puns!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said,
"Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."

Q. What is "The Hebrides"?
A. Participants in gay marriages.

A blonde patient was being counseled by the doctor at the local health clinic.
"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you can't have any
relations whatsoever!" The young girl replied,
"Okay, but what about friends and neighbours?"

"How come you never invite me into your apartment any more after I
bring you home from a date?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have a negligee that's fit to take off."

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown."
So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts
peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and
that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice
"Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied,
"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."

"Do you know what Scotty did with his first fifty-cent piece?"
"No."
"He married her."

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite,"
The man said to his drinking buddy,
"I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that
would keep her faithful."
"Did it work ?" asked the friend.
 "Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like
a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

"Darling, do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for
back in April?" "Sure."
"Well, one of them called last night to say you're going to be a father."

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening
and found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotized 7 guys on stage, then dropped the mike on his foot & said,
"Screw me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.

After two years in Korea, a Marine was returned to the States.
He was met by his wife at the Port of Debarkation and they took a hotel room.
Much later that night, there was a sudden banging on the door and a
voice yelled,
"Let me in!"
The Marine leaped from the bed and exclaimed,
"I'll bet that's your husband!"
His wife sleepily reassured him,
"Don't be silly, he's over in Korea!"

A bisexual is a woman who likes men as well as the next gal.

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing -
he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're frigging' nuts."

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Puns of the Day...

Count Dracula, lanky and slight,
And eschewing a heartier bite,
Was growing bulimic
On victims anaemic.
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.

Voltaire was a prolific writer.
His work is full of sly humour.
Indeed, his most well known work might aptly be called, Candide Corn.

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible.
The directions were quite explicit.
The story must contain the following three items.
Religion. Sexuality. Mystery.
Only ONE story in the entire class received an A+ grade.
It read, "Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who it was that did it?"

U2's lawyers work pro Bono.

The Catholic church long ago gave up trying to convert any members of
native American tribes.
These savages were deemed unworthy to enter the kingdom of heaven.
They consider all such people to be "hell bound" regardless.
Thus they are known as "eternal combustion Injuns."

Then there was the time Julius Caesar got his face slapped by a vestal
virgin in the temple because he became too flirtatious.
Historians refer to it as the time Caesar had too much Gaul.

A man who lived in Hollywood was working on his garage doors, using a
spanner to get the springs at the right tension, when the star who
lived next door came over.
The actor was super mad at having learned his show was canceled.
The first man gave the star the spanner and said,
"Just hit the ground with this until some of the anger leaves."
Ten minutes later all that was left was a star mangled spanner.

The constipated composer couldn't finish the last movement.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal:
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have
been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your
hair cut."
The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had
long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that
Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Turns out that my personal trainer is a huge liar.
He's been training other people, too!
I wonder if they know.

My wife and I were touring the Tower of London, proudly wearing pins
displaying the USA flag.
As Lana approached one of the famous Beefeaters to ask a question, he
called out, "Madam, you are in distress!"
Both of us were greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag
on her pin was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.
Lana fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to
turn the flag 90 degrees.
"Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being boarded by pirates."

A Beauty Parlour is a place where women curl up and dye.

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her
breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,
"Pardon me." her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store,
He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said,
"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper said,
"Chinese Waiter Crushed To Death!"

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XX Adult Puns!

Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette,
and continues smoking.
Arlene asks,
"What is that?"
Jane answers, "A condom. This way mycigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get them?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what brand of condom she prefers.
She answers,
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

The sex craved mountaineer needed a little extra energy boost to reach the peak,
So, he relied on his climb-axe.
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2010.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said:
"General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.
I said to him,
"What do you folks do around here?"
He said,
"We don't do nothin' but hunt n' Screw." I said,
"What do you hunt?"
He said,
"Somethin' to Screw."

Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent..
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last
confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times,
missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred
times, and played with a girl's private parts."
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa,
that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash
your hands in holy water."
So, Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious
incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the
holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the
girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says,
"Move over, pal. I gotta gargle."

A nurse covered in a white bedsheet surreptitiously glided up to a
Bill's friend Harry's bed. She hovered over Harry and then Screamed
"BOOOOO!"
The nurse then took off the sheet.
Harry was very upset and said,
"You scared the hell out of me! Look, I shit all over myself.! Why did
you do that for???" The nurse replied,
"The Doctor said you needed an enema, but your HMO refused to pay for it, so..."

The blonde's father told her,
"If your not in bed by 11 come home."

There was a convention of meat packing workers in New York a while
back and one of the men there met up with a girl the first part of the
week.
They saw each other many times during the week and he told her if she
ever came to Chicago to be sure and look him up.
It so happened that in about three months she was in Chicago and went
to Swift & Co. To look for Mr. Gartell.
When asking at the personnel office for him, she was told that they
had five men with that name, and did she know his first name.
She said no.
So, the personnel man said maybe he could help her anyway.
"Was he tall or short?"
"He was tall."
"Well, that lets out two of these men. Was he fat or slim?"
"He was slim."
"Well, that lets out one more man. Now, did he wear glasses?"
"He did not have glasses."
"Oh, that must be our Mr. Gartell, the pheasant plucker."
"Oh, yes, that's him, and he dances well too."

Living with Bob is like playing checkers.
Every time I make a move,
He jumps.

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Drugs

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give
you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this
weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see
you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and
the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles
like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole
before prison.

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XX - Magic Penis

            A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.  He
went to a sex shop and explained his situation.  The man there said, '
Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied
for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

            The husband said, 'The what'?

            The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,'  and pulled out what
seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

            The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

            The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis,  door!'

            The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and
started pounding away at the keyhole.  The whole door shook wildly
with vibrations, so much so,  that a crack began to form down the
middle.
            Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the
penis stopped and returned to the box.

            The husband bought it and took it home to his wife and
explained to her how to use it.

            After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
remembered the Magic Penis.  She undressed, opened the box and said
'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

            The penis shot to her crotch.  It was absolutely
incredible.  After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very
exhausted and decided she'd had enough.  She tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck.  Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it
off, so she put her clothes on, got in her car and set off to the
closest hospital.

             On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her
swerve all over the road.  A Police Officer saw this and immediately
pulled her over.  He asked for her licence, and then asked how much
she'd had to drink.

            Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had
anything to drink officer.  You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing
stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

            The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
replied, 'Yeah right...  Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

            The rest, as they say, is history...

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XX - Adult Puns!

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he
reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the
room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the
girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass."
"Thanks!" she cried. "But never mind that! Just get the necklace."

A gay milkman is a dairy queen.

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand
across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming,
"Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand
across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

"Mother," the young woman asked, "Remember when you told me the way to
a man's heart was through his stomach?"
"Sure," her mother answered.
"Well," the girl went on, "last night I think I may have found a new route."

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the toilet.
The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks,
"Wanna go for a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies.
"Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"
"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.
"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming
around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real
dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody
wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

Meanwhile, back at the oasis,
The Arabs were eating their dates.

While on their vacation in Georgia, a young married couple, from New
York picnicking by a stream, were surprised by a stampeding herd of
wild donkeys.
One of the jacks attacked the husband, knocking him down.
The animal was standing over him about to inflict serious injury when
the courageous young wife drove off the dangerous beast with repeated
blows from an umbrella.
Later on, they related the incident to the manager of the hotel where
they were staying. He said that it would make a good story for the
local gazette.
In due time they returned home to New York; a week later they received
a copy of the Georgia weekly which contained the story of their
adventure.
Flabbergasted, the young couple read the following headline:
"Yankee Bride Beats Ass Off Husband With Umbrella!"

After my friend Larry announced loudly at the local drugstore that he
wanted some extra large condoms, his wife has sure taken a lot of
ribbing.

A vice-president of a large corporation entered the inner sanctum of
its president, and said to that worthy gentleman:
"I have some information I think you should know. One of your
vice-presidents is a fairy." "What's that?" questioned the president,
"Who is it? Who?"
To which the veep coyly replied,
"Kiss me and I'll tell you."

Tear jerker:
A bloke who cries while wanking.

There were two guys in the Army.
One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after
reading it becomes very sad.
His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong.
The first guy responded by handing him the letter.
So, the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the
first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis.
 "Well," the friend said to the first guy,
"That's not so bad."
The first guy turns to him and says "
That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

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The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund
for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!   You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.   Closed coffin.

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Airline Stories

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit

where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when

a flight attendant announced, "People, people! We're not picking out

furniture here ... find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,

The pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude &

will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort & to

enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4

ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed & was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice

came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,

a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure

as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest

Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the

buckle, & pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt &, if you

don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your

face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,

pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds,

But we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, &

remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of

An emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with

Our compliments." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy & bumpy day: During the final approach, the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

Flight Attendant said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please

remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis

what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had

hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the 1st officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,

smile, & give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light

of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?" The little old lady asked, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on

with, "Ladies & Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash

& the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared & the warning bells are silenced,

we'll open the door & you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to

thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we

hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies & gentlemen, if you

wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing & if you

can light'em, you can smoke'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a

Comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies & gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is

good &, therefore, we should have a smooth & uneventful flight. Now sit

back & relax... OH, MY GOD!!" Silence followed, & after a few minutes, the

captain came back on the intercom & said, "Ladies & Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I

scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant

accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing; you should

see the back of mine!"

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Truth for Mature Adults

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that
I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they
said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push  the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100
years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes'
merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Mohandas Gandhi.

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XX - Adult Puns!

A mother takes her 5-year-old son to the sporting goods store and says
to the man working there,
"I want to buy a baseball mitt for my son. How much does it cost?"
The clerk says,
"$50."
"That's way to much. How much for that bat?"
"$5," says the clerk.
"I'll take it," the mother replies.
As he's wrapping it up he says,
"How about a ball for the bat?"
"No thanks," says the mother, "But I'll go down on you for the mitt."

One of the Ten Commandments is:
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor thy neighbour's ass."
I wonder if that means I'm safe, then, since I just covet my
neighbour's wife's ass?

Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says,
'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks,
'Black or white?
Customer says,
'White.' Counter guy asks,
'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says,
'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says,
'The Muslim one blows itself up!!'

The difference between a panty and a stage curtain is:
When you pull down the stage curtain the show is over,
But when you pull down a panty the show begins.

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel.
He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex.
Obviously, there were no women in the desert.
So, the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away.
The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.
Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned
to his camel. The camel refused by running away.
So, he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally, after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road.
There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes
sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said,
"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked,
"How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,
"Could you hold my camel?"

Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after
his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend,
"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and
I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Whoever said you can't get blood from a stone had better get over here
and take a look at my urine.

The young gynaecologist was giving his attractive nurse a thorough
annual check-up as a professional courtesy.
The nurse had the distinct impression that the doctor was prolonging
each step, but she said nothing at all.
Toward the end of the exam, he smiled and said,
"You're lucky, you know, a session like this would have cost you at
least a hundred and eighty-five dollars."
"You're luckier yet, doctor." laughed the girl. "a session like this
would have cost you at least three hundred."
 

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Puns of the Day...

I've lost a lot of sleep over the past few nights as my neighbour's
dog has been barking, howling and whining way into the late hours.
I finally confronted him about his mutt's unusual behaviour and he
said has developed a medical condition and there isn't much that can
be done about it.
Seems he's become quite edgy and easily agitated.
I think they call it "Irritable Bow-Wow Syndrome."
Blessed are the flexible,
For they can tie themselves into knots.

My cousin is in a bad spot.
He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll
lose his hearing on that side.
He has no insurance, though, and the cost is way too much for him.
He does have a way out, though.
A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only
if he'll marry her, afterwards!
She's 50 years older than him!
You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop,
But it doesn't sound like there's a whole heck of a lot to do.

Ok,
So see,
Like this one time there was this guy at a philosophy convention in
19th century Germany, and he was giving the keynote speech, and during
the course of discourse, of course, this coarse guy kept shouting:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!" and the
speaker' d continue for a few minutes, but this guy' d interrupt him
again yelling:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!" and so they
went on this way, back and forth,
The poor speaker just trying to finish his speech, and the other guy
interrupting:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!"
Finally, the speaker throws his notes to the floor and looks at the
guy in the audience and says:
"God damn it, will you quit Hegel-ing me!"

"Maybe we could leave our initials with an arrow through them on this
tree trunk ," suggested Tom heartily .

There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two women at the same time:
One named Edith, in California, and the other named Kate, in Texas.
Unfortunately for the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest,
discovered the truth, and confronted him with the following
admonition:
"You can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing
but dried grass.
It was never going to work;
I think he was clutching at straws.

I was driving along this country road when I saw this field with all
kinds of cars, trucks, and other assorted metal objects in the centre
of it.
As I got closer, my car suddenly accelerated and tore off across the
field slamming into all the junk.
As I was extricating myself from what used to be my car, this old
farmer rolls up on a horse drawn buggy.
After he helped me out, I asked him what the heck would make my car do
that, and what is with all this metal junk in the middle of his field.
"Well, son," he replied, "you see, this is a magnetic field."

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks --
it's all lice.

Remember the Rap singer Vanilla Ice?
Seems that in a bid for immortality, he donated a tissue sample to an
experimental laboratory for cloning research.
Unfortunately, the sample was accidentally combined with another
tissue sample belonging to Kareem Abdul Jabar.
The result was a Vanilla Ice Kareem Clone.

Before King Arthur appointed a knight to give acupuncture treatments at Camelot,
Sir Lancelot knew he was stuck with the job.

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the
front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.
She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward
her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "How'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."
Patty said,
"You should have been with me. Did I ever find a good machine! It's
way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you. You can't lose! Ever time
you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"

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