A joke a day.....

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being
introduced at the trade fair.
"Listen to these features:
it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound;
It can measure your height as well, in feet or meters;
It gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator;
And that's not all..."
"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a
chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll
have to try it out."
"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.
No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud,
very human-sounding voice issued forth:
"One at a time, please, one at a time!"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to
town shopping.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,"
his mother said.
The boy said,
"It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer: "Give me a
Beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel.
When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to
her for a good number.
"Why don't you play your age?" he suggested.
The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and
fallen to the floor.
He rushed right over.
"Did she win?" he asked.
"No" replied the attendant.
"She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in."

Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of
would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA,
who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no
money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.
Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven
minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down.
They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the
name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... On an envelope bearing the name
and address of another in Detroit.
And,in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip
giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her
face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up
banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face
first into a glass door.
He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn
into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security
police money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who
hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone.
One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten
gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died
instantly.

Be Strong:
Then,there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.