Recent Quips From Late Night

"Hillary Clinton ... Is upset right now with a columnist from the
Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that
Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the
Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a
Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the
ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure.
At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far
to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts
is? He is our most important judge ... Right after Simon Cowell."
--Jay Leno

"Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's
talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in
Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much
cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney
appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old,
pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old.
You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say
things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is
elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador.
Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan
O'Brien

"Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good
friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It
turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted
Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology
guru's home. The raid ... Was part of an investigation into claims
Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting
it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially
interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the
cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of
Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with
anything ... That costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart