Laffs!

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
So, the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last journey
comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.
Then, one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she
had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother Superior, the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some
wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face, said,
" Don't sell that cow!"
***************************
"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred
dollars, minus six percent, if you pay in cash," the salesman said.
The customer, embarrassed to confess that she was not able to figure
the calculation, said she would think about the deal and return the
next day.
That evening, she asked her female friend,
"If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much
would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings," she purred.!!!
*************************************
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object
buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed
with a cork.
The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a
cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder.
Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the
genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy
shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
"Let's see. My first wish is..."
He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story
luxury mansion."
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed
into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.
He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see
Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man.
There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted.
He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded
by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
********************************
Seb Coe, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with
some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said:
"Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no denim."
Seb was quite annoyed at this and retorted:
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Sebastian Coe."
"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied
the bouncer.
***********************************
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two
locals pulling another man ashore by rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest. "People helping their
fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other:
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
************************************
At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time.
"What is this?" he asked, as he held up the bell cord they had
fastened to his pillow.
"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.
He pulled it several times, then remarked:
"I don't hear it ringing."
"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall
for the nurse."
"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the
hall, she can turn it on herself."
*********************************
"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.
When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short,
chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
************************************
A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly,
the goy asks:
"Why are you Jews so smart?"
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says:
"Its because of all the herring we eat."
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks:
"How much herring do you have?"
And the Jew answers:
"A dozen pieces".
"And how much do you want for a piece?"
"20 kopecks" (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.
He takes a bite and says suddenly:
"I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks".
To this the Jew responds:
"See... Your getting smarter already."