5 Levels of Hangovers

5 Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able
to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You
may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The
coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is
still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were
home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-- yet you haven't peed
once.

Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You
can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you
only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like
one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual
spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head,
which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing
your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take
a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably;
Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity;
British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious;
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2) Nope, no more booze for me.
3) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.