Week-end Jokes.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a
little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.
The Taliban asked:
"I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The Jew replied:
"I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only
$150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
The Taliban shouted:
"I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"
The Jew replied:
"OK then, don't buy my ties. But, to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice
restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."
The Taliban begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the
hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later, the Taliban came crawling back to where the Jewish
man was sitting behind his card table.
The Jew said:
"...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Taliban rasped:
"I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the Manager returned and stood
over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied:
"The balcony."

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Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted.
Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she
thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and
suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack.
Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife
were reconciled.

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A hurricane blew across the Caribbean.
It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high
waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the
boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to
the closest Island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and
very upset that they would never be found.
The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny.
"We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered
here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the
confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000.
And another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same
amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in
the stock market, I contributed $750,000. To each. Last year business
was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're
going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

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Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.
"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash
down as far as possible. Then, I start at my feet and I wash up as far
as possible."
"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!"