The Hillary Files.......

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money
for his book than
Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some
sex in it." -
Jay Leno.

"We Republicans were almost out of people to hate in the Senate. Teddy
Kennedy is just too Old and fat to pick on" -
P.J. O'Rourke, on why Hillary's Clinton's election victory was a good
thing, in his new book, "The CEO of the Sofa."

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she
has no intentions of
Ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.
Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed.
There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." -
David Letterman.

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al
Gore haven't spoken to
Each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill
and his wife, Hillary,
Haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." -
Conan O'Brien.

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new
home in Washington.
People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the
White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." -
Jay Leno.

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay
for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but
still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at
least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." -
Jay Leno

"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at
the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward
moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a
reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album."
-Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she
has the most expensive
Hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease
in the office, as
Opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." -
Jay Leno.

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to
Cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken.
And then out of
Habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." -
Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn.

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign?
Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" -
Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she
was at a presidential
Address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like
having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was
keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew,
will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" -
Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New
York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You
know, the one with only seven commandments."-
David Letterman.

"Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and have people
yell 'Go home!' in
Every language?" -
Hillary Clinton, on New York City

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her
Because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows
her husband to cheat and get away with it." -
Jay Leno.

"I'm praying, of course, that Hillary will win. If she doesn't - Lord,
I'll have to call Revlon
Again." -
Vernon Jordan, friend and adviser to Bill Clinton, on Hillary's New
York Senate bid.
(Jordan came under fire during Clinton's impeachment for having called
Revlon to get Monica Lewinsky a job.)

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." -
Hillary Clinton.

"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's
a good-looking
Mummy." -
Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on
display at the National Geographic museum.