Monday morning humour!
1. To Smell Flowers
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man
placing a bowl of
Rice on a nearby grave.
The sailor walked up to the man and asked,
"When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile,
"Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
2. How Do You Spell Relief ?
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a
collect telegram which
Read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had
to pay considerable
charges
Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
3. The Letter of Reference:
"To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."
4. Bonus Joke:
Doctor to patient:
"There are two divergent opinions on how best to treat you.
I'm convinced you need a triple by-pass.
Your HMO says all you need to do is rub this $14 tube of salve on your chest
"
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work
under zero gravity
Conditions.
To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen
for use in space.
The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink
inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and
virtually any surface known to man.
The Russians used a pencil.
Inner Peace.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could use more
calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally
found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started.
So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest
of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Ah! So True:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class re-unions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right
number.
13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team
is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like
it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket
I just love the following .....
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running
Around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are
probably dead.
Ain't it the truth!!
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