XX - New Rules

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want
flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavoured water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-
soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.