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Friday, August 31, 2007

XX - ART

Probably read it before, never mind,,,

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle
had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Love

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about
each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of
his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a
half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in
jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water
like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and
lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel
hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides
of the canal."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Stylist Shoes anyone?

an Old one but still good..

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately
wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,"Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes
for free"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go
and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a
huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed,
she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of
the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying
on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out,
"Bugger,

"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attenti on and tossed it out the
window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and
a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister,"
He replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Face lift at fifty

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says very happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a very big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She
goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire
way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it
requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only
then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out,
'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He
bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He
pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a
couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands
slowly, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

The Essex Girls & St Peter

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever
had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question,
"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.
" St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What
seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I
want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"

Try This one! - THIS IS A GOOD ONE... MUST TRY IT...

open a new MS Word document and write:

= rand (200,99)

then hit enter.........

wait for 3 seconds and look again.........

I'm told not even the Microsoft people can or are willing to explain that
one................

How to get refund

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted
a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk
told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on
Special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started
screaming,

"RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in
front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it
on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
and screamed,

"RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,

"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES RUBBED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly
refunded!!

Damn Church

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon,
sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is
not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the
pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the
secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks
the old geezer, "Sir,what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just
won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn
church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

* * *

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a helmet.

* * *

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
With the boys.

* * *

BUTT (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."

Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.

* * *

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

* * *

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

* * *

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

* * *

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

* * *

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

-------------
.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady, splurges on dinner at McDonnald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

* * *

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

Wonderful Scrabble

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Why men prefer guns

The Top Ten Reasons Why Mature Men Prefer Guns Over Women!

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

The 5 Questions MOST feared by MEN

The 5 Questions MOST feared by MEN.

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly
(i.e.tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along
with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this,of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
A. "Football."
B. "Golf."
C. "How fat you are."
D. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is:
"Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
A. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads."
B. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
C. "That depends on what you mean by love."
D. "Does it matter?"
E. "Who, me?"

Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect answers are:
A. "Compared to what?"
B. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin."
C. "A little extra weight looks good on you."
D. "I've seen fatter."
E. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
A. "Yes, but you have a better personality."
B. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner."
C. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age."
D. "Define pretty."
E. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
Of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

Church ---oops!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

(Summer, 2006 Release)
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-------- ------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship H al l after the B.
S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Blonde LOGIC

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act Together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
Another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and Shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said,
You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm
actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the Sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their Heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said The Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're Going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde Responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one Was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

A nswered the blond. "They're Watch dogs"

Monday, August 27, 2007

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

Ø 40-ish.................................49.

Ø Adventurous......................Slept with everyone.

Ø Athletic..............................No breasts.

Ø Average looking................Moooo.

Ø Beautiful............................Pathological liar.

Ø Emotionally Secure...........On medication.

Ø Feminist.............................Fat.

Ø Free Spirit..........................Junkie.

Ø Friendship first....................Former Slut.

Ø New-Age.............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Ø Old-fashioned......................No B.J.'s

Ø Open-minded......................Desperate.

Ø Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.

Ø Professional........................Bitch.

Ø Voluptuous..........................Very fat.

Ø Large frame........................Hugely fat.

Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes.................................No

Ø No...................................Yes

Ø Maybe............................No

Ø We need..........................I want

Ø I am sorry.......................You'll be sorry

Ø We need to talk...............You're in trouble

Ø Sure, go ahead................You better not

Ø Do what you want............You will pay for this later

Ø I am not upset..................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

Ø You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry.........................I am hungry

Ø I am sleepy..........................I am sleepy

Ø I am tired.............................I am tired

Ø Nice dress............................Nice cleavage !

Ø I love you.............................Let's have sex now

Ø I am bored............................Do you want to have sex?

Ø May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have
sex with you.

Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

The Queen of England & President Bus

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush Strides to
a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London
Where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched
to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
Earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is
atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs
over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries
of
State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a
Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your
Majesty, don't give the matter another thought... Until you
mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

The Hillary Files.......

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money
for his book than
Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some
sex in it." -
Jay Leno.

"We Republicans were almost out of people to hate in the Senate. Teddy
Kennedy is just too Old and fat to pick on" -
P.J. O'Rourke, on why Hillary's Clinton's election victory was a good
thing, in his new book, "The CEO of the Sofa."

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she
has no intentions of
Ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.
Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed.
There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." -
David Letterman.

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al
Gore haven't spoken to
Each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill
and his wife, Hillary,
Haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." -
Conan O'Brien.

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new
home in Washington.
People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the
White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." -
Jay Leno.

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay
for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but
still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at
least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." -
Jay Leno

"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at
the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward
moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a
reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album."
-Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she
has the most expensive
Hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease
in the office, as
Opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." -
Jay Leno.

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to
Cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken.
And then out of
Habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." -
Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn.

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign?
Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" -
Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she
was at a presidential
Address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like
having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was
keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew,
will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" -
Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New
York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You
know, the one with only seven commandments."-
David Letterman.

"Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and have people
yell 'Go home!' in
Every language?" -
Hillary Clinton, on New York City

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her
Because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows
her husband to cheat and get away with it." -
Jay Leno.

"I'm praying, of course, that Hillary will win. If she doesn't - Lord,
I'll have to call Revlon
Again." -
Vernon Jordan, friend and adviser to Bill Clinton, on Hillary's New
York Senate bid.
(Jordan came under fire during Clinton's impeachment for having called
Revlon to get Monica Lewinsky a job.)

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." -
Hillary Clinton.

"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's
a good-looking
Mummy." -
Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on
display at the National Geographic museum.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Beauty Treatment

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing Almighty, she asked "Is my time up?" The reply "No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and
change her hair color.  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of the Almighty , she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40years?  Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

(You'll love this!!!)

The Almighty replied , " Oh sorry I couldn't recognize you " !!!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Art Fotos - really unusual...

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Why women are luckier...

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with
mysterious 'gynaecological disorder' excuses.

3. We never 'ejaculate' prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are
nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll,
it's pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look
complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We don't look like 'a frog in a blender' when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend, without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

15. We know the truth about - whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not
the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be 'cut off' with one clean sweep.

21. It is possible to live our whole lives - without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion 'faux pas' we make, could rival Speedos.

23. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being
emotionally neglected.

24. We never have to wonder if 'his orgasm' was real.

25. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

26. We can congratulate our teammate - without ever touching her arse.

27. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

28. We never have to reach down every so often, to make sure our privates
are still there.

29. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

30. We have an excuse to be a total bitch - at least once a month.

31. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked.

32. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look
like an idiot.

33. Our friends won't think we're 'weird' if we ask whether there's spinach
in our teeth.

34. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

35. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

36. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

37. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes

Friday, August 24, 2007

A love story, but no fairy tale

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The
judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wailing Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an
interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?

"Maury Fishbein" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow
up safely as responsible adults, and to love the ir fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Missing 'R'

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEB RATE !!! "

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

National Geographic - some of the best pix

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

David Copperfield - Card Magic

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

picture of the week!

A photo like this just doesn't come along every day

For BRAINIACS only!

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry, that I didn't.

These are NOT trick questions.

They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside
the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw"
and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the Letter "S."

Answers are below.

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know The score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of
the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . Period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but, fresh . . Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . .
. shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

Laffs!

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
So, the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last journey
comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.
Then, one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she
had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother Superior, the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some
wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face, said,
" Don't sell that cow!"
***************************
"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred
dollars, minus six percent, if you pay in cash," the salesman said.
The customer, embarrassed to confess that she was not able to figure
the calculation, said she would think about the deal and return the
next day.
That evening, she asked her female friend,
"If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much
would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings," she purred.!!!
*************************************
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object
buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed
with a cork.
The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a
cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder.
Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the
genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy
shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
"Let's see. My first wish is..."
He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story
luxury mansion."
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed
into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.
He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see
Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man.
There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted.
He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded
by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
********************************
Seb Coe, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with
some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said:
"Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no denim."
Seb was quite annoyed at this and retorted:
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Sebastian Coe."
"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied
the bouncer.
***********************************
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two
locals pulling another man ashore by rope.
"That's what I like to see," said the priest. "People helping their
fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other:
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
************************************
At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time.
"What is this?" he asked, as he held up the bell cord they had
fastened to his pillow.
"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.
He pulled it several times, then remarked:
"I don't hear it ringing."
"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall
for the nurse."
"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the
hall, she can turn it on herself."
*********************************
"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.
When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short,
chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
************************************
A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly,
the goy asks:
"Why are you Jews so smart?"
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says:
"Its because of all the herring we eat."
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks:
"How much herring do you have?"
And the Jew answers:
"A dozen pieces".
"And how much do you want for a piece?"
"20 kopecks" (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.
He takes a bite and says suddenly:
"I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks".
To this the Jew responds:
"See... Your getting smarter already."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT
BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince..

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE
OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

Some questions that haunt me ??????

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be

Before they

Are considered assassinated,

Instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven,

Do you get stuck wearing the clothes

You were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"

When babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court,

Is it still called a hearing?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular

And

"panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting

That burns the toast to a horrible crisp,

Which no decent human being would eat?

If corn oil is made from corn,

And vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

What is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons,

Does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid

When it's outside the hemisphere,

But, call it a haemorrhoid

When it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that

When you blow in a dog's face,

He gets mad at you,

But, when you take him for a car ride,

He sticks his head out the window?

Thought for the day

God gives every bird its food,
But, He does not throw it into its nest."
-- J.G. Holland

Jokes

If Men Got Pregnant...........
1. Maternity leave would last two years... With full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
14. Women would rule the world.

----------------

"Shame on you"
My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her
middle finger, and asked me what it meant.
I was so shocked that I could say only,
"Shame on you," followed by,
"If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.
A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out
a huge belch.
I reprimanded him by saying,
"Shame on you."
Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger,
showed it to him, and exclaimed,
"Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign."

---------------
Should It?
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But, it should."
---------------
Things that make you go Hmmm....
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
---------------
"Instructions For Life"
Marry only for love.
---------------
Bonus Joke:
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot
count, criticize or laugh.
------- --------
I bet ya' didn't know......
King James I (1566-1625) of England, in the 22 years he occupied the
throne, never washed his right hand.
He merely daubed his fingertips with a damp cloth in the mornings,
fearing that washing would make the skin feel coarse when he shook
hands.
------- --------
Andronicus Livius, a Roman actor of the 3rd century B.C., originated
the art of pantomime because at the very height of his career, he lost
the use of his voice.

XXX - Laffs!

Raunchy..

Pastor Fuzz.
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a
little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a
female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking
beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and
sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying
on top of Mrs.Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said:
"Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said:
"But, you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said:
"Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up!"

----------------
Harley Guy.
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and
tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says:
"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is
your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers:
"Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

---------------

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Jest a few laffs on a lazy Sunday morning!!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
More Thoughts On Aging.

- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
through Parliament.

- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
it started.

- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask
yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down
there.

- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't
remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
You are a Nerd If...

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. Number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you
rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery
channel and have seen most of the shows already

Grandpa's Libido.

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to
the ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one
complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for
that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open.
"Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have
you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the
ninety-year old gentleman was saying.
"Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man,
"and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

--------------
Weird Fact of the Day:
A volcano has enough power to shoot ash as high as 50 km into the atmosphere.

Recent Quips From Late Night

"Hillary Clinton ... Is upset right now with a columnist from the
Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that
Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the
Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a
Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the
ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure.
At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far
to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts
is? He is our most important judge ... Right after Simon Cowell."
--Jay Leno

"Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's
talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in
Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much
cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney
appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old,
pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old.
You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say
things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is
elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador.
Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan
O'Brien

"Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good
friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It
turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted
Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology
guru's home. The raid ... Was part of an investigation into claims
Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting
it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially
interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the
cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of
Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with
anything ... That costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart

Saturday, August 18, 2007

What women really want..!!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a
very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was:
What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death,
He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:
The princess,
The priests,
The wise men,
And even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But, the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.
She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like
sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.
And the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.
Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants?"
She said,
"Is to be in charge of her own life."

Arthur's life is spared.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch,
She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time.
And the beautiful maiden the other half.
"Which would you prefer? She asked him.
"Beautiful during the day ... Or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But, by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate
moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...)
What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this)
What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question, he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.
Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... What is the moral to this story?

The moral is...
1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

*IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!*

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we
cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John
Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice
President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel
Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &
sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --
Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of
Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn't
have a problem with forest fires." – George Bush

New Alphabet - 2007 - A must view for Senior Citizens.

Remember -

A is for apple, and B is for ball,
That used to be right.

But. now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,
But, let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now ...
The Alphabet
2007

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I' d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And

I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Why Women Love their Asses

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses,
the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Old one - still good

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything

One liner Jokes!

Judge:

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

******
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
******

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

******

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak.

******

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."

******

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

******

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

******

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

******

But, the psychiatrist really helped me a lot.
I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.
Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

******

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

******

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

******

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

******

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a
cloth and sells the cloth.

******

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

******

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

******

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."

******

We have a quiet home life.
I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

******

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but, found my husband best. "

******

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

******

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

The Pills[Be Warned!)

Women to Doc: "My husband is never interested in sex"

Doc: "Take these pills and give him 1 a day?

At home she puts 1 pill in his tea n they had sex that night.

Next day she puts 2 pills in his tea n they enjoyed
much more that night.
Next day she puts the whole bottle load in his tea

Some days later Doc called to know the progress and
his son replied -'Mom is dead, aunt in hospital, maids' pregnant,
and dad is running naked in the garden chasing the dog'.

IT WOULD BE FUNNY IF IT WASN'T SO CLEVER !!!

You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not
construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians
and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is
what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me,so I
panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until
I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at
him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called
my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come
back 4 work.

He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so
nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Gotta new boat, you say??

65 ft Custom Built Motor yacht, staterooms, GPS navigation, twin turbocharged
diesels, etc. = $2.5 million

Crane and Rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle - $2,500 per hour.

Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited "soon to be
owners" - $250.00

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two
corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final paperwork - Priceless

Check out the dude on the stern, holding on for the ride of the day.

plumber with a sense of humor

English.....!

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the
message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how
to say it and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her
blouse to show the butcher her breasts!
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.Unable to find away
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store. and ..

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo!!!!!!!!, Her husband speaks English!

Elderly Proposal.. Nice One

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for

a number of years.

Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal

went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his

courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their

respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did

she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not

recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that she

had gone to visit her daughter. With trepidation, he went to the telephone

and called her. First, he explained to her that his memory was not as good

as it used to be.Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a

little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would

marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant

it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you

called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." !!!

The Mistress

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this
absolutely, stunning young woman comes over to their table, embraces the
husband, gives him a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW or Lexus in the
garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Some Jokes

Retirement Activities - A Hobby !

Upon reaching 65, John decided to retire. After having him under foot
for a few months, his wife became very agitated and suggested he go
out and does something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a
hobby. John obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home, his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I
just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I
joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"You old coot, you need new glasses! This is a membership in a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

C L A S S I F I E D S

These four classified ads appeared in a Middle East newspaper on four
Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the
first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM
and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have
read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs
Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine
for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves
with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't
call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been
carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she
quit.

A Woman's Secret

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept
no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover....
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe
box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he
should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the
contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness......

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."

The history of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I
know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends
in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun
when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all
captured

English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be
incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was
made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck
yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F',
and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a
bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the
last 25 years."

Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Monday, August 13, 2007

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
" I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder."
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and! a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"!
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."

an Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon
Her return, her father cursed her.

Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us,
Not even a line? Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what
You put your old mum thrugh?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"You what!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as you wish.

I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed
To a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million."

"For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a
breath)... And an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"
says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff,
sniff.

"Oh! Darling! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you
said a Protestant.

Come here and give your old man a hug."

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