TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK.

Unless the US Constitution is amended neither Arnold Schwarzenegger or John McCain will be able to run for President in 2008 because it is required that you be a natural born citizen. Arnold was born in Austria, and John recently confirmed that he was born by Caesarian

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle:
Oxygen, heat and fuel.
Fire needs all three to exist.
It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive.
The fewer there are, the safer we are. (Stephen Colbert)

The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the squarest place on earth.
The latest evidence?
A current military document that lists homosexuality as a mental disorder in the same league as mental retardation -- noting, of course, the one difference: retarded people can still get into heaven. (Jon Stewart)

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress.
Somehow no one from Congress reads the New York Times, I guess. (Jay Leno)

Mexico is divided over the results of its presidential election.
The U.S.had offered to send in a task force to help determine the outcome, but unfortunately the Supreme Court is currently not in session. (Alan Ray)

Bode Miller is here, totally sober.
He only drinks when he skies. (Lance Armstrong at ESPT awards)

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. (Eric Hodgson)

President Bush said we should be patient with North Korea.
He said we should use diplomacy.
We should not rush into any kind of military action until we are sure, absolutely sure, what we are doing.
At which point Dick Cheney grabbed him by the throat and said, "What have you done with the real President Bush?" (Jay Leno)

French player, Zinedine Zidane, who was kicked out of the World Cup for head butting an Italian player, was voted the World Cup's outstanding player. I guess you can get away with anything in soccer as long as you don't use your hands. (Alex Kaseberg)

A Monica Lewinski cigar is now available in fine tobacco shops.
While many premium cigars are soaked in brandy or cognac, Monica's are soaked in cider. (Stan Kegel)

A court has ruled the New York Department of Motor Vehicles can require immigrants to prove they are in the country legally before giving them a license.However, the Taxi Commission can still give permits to anyone. (Jim Barach)

The Reverend Pat Robertson left today for North Korea to engage in what the State Department called a series of high-level "madman-to- madman" talks with North Korean president Kim Jong-Il.
The United States, frustrated that six-party nuclear talks with North Korea did not prevent President Kim from firing test missiles last week, are cautiously optimistic that one-on-one talks between the two lunatics will help break the logjam.
"We needed to find someone who speaks Kim Jong-Il's language," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told reporters today.
"And by that I do not mean Korean -- I mean crazy- talk." (Andy Borowitz)

KEN LAY.

Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week.
So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal.
I believe the official cause of death was listed as "karma." The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings. (Jay Leno)

Just about now, Ken Lay should be arriving in hell. (David Letterman)

This just in from hell:
Ken Lay swindled al-Zarqawi out of his pension. (David Letterman)

At Ken Lay's funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme." (Jay Leno)

Former Enron executive Ken Lay's fatal heart attack means that his family will probably get to keep more of his funds than if he had survived to go to prison.
That may explain why so many relatives had been sneaking up behind him in recent weeks and yelling, "Boo!" (Scott Witt)

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack.
They announced they were going to cremate him.
Where he's going, why bother?. (Jay Leno)

Services were held today for Ken Lay -- convicted thief and crook Ken Lay.They folded his arms across his chest and sowed his sleeves together so he couldn't put his hands in anyone's pockets when they walked by.
You know when they say in a eulogy, "You're all richer for having known him."
I don't think they're going to hear that. (Jay Leno)

If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be?
"Does the Devil really wear Prada?" (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT BUSH.President Bush's approval rating has hit an all time low.
The Dubya doesn't pay attention to polls.
After all, he's got a spin machine to run. (Alan Ray)I want to wish a belated birthday to our president.
George W. Bush celebrated the big 6-0 on Thursday.
When you realize President Bush and Jessica Simpson were born in the same week, maybe there is something to this astrology stuff. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE ADMINISTRATION.White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine. (Andy Borowitz)

Members of the Bush administration being sued by former CIA agent Valerie Plame for outing her and thus ruining her spy career say they'll gladly pay the damages she seeks if she'll share the millions she gets from book and speech deals resulting from the publicity they gave her. (Scott Witt)

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan today where he promised to defeat the Taliban.
Didn't we do that already?
He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein. (Jimmy Kimmel)

An aspiring Iranian-American filmmaker is suing Donald Rumsfeld for holding him prisoner without charges for two months.
Apparently, Rumsfeld had the wrong filmmaker - he thought it was Al Gore. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS.Delaware Senator Joe Biden is being criticized for saying people can't go into a convenience store without hearing a slight Indian accent.
He says he was misquoted.What he meant to say was a thick Pakistani accent. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS.

Any online gamblers here?
Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down.
And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing. (David Letterman)

Congress is debating legislation that would block access to gambling Web sites.
Strong opposition is expected from the nation's stockbrokers who say a big part of their business comes from the Web. (Scott Witt)

Congress wants to keep "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Washington politicians are united in their faith.
Most worship the same reelection. (Alan Ray)

THE COURTS.The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the FBI's right to search Congressional offices.
This means members of Congress will now have to start obeying the law, or opening more offshore accounts... whichever's easier. (Jake Novak)

This week President Bush hinted that his next Supreme Court nominee would be a minority.
He went on to say the nominee would be Latino or Chineso. (Conan O'Brien)

THE STATES.Colorado Wildlife Commission wants to eliminate prairie dogs, squirrels and gophers using explosive gasses. (Denver Post)

New Jersey has ended it's shutdown over budget battles.
Apparently it's back to graft and corruption as usual. (Jim Barach)


LOCAL NEWS.

They're coming at us.
And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan.
A big townhouse blew up.
So, I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda,
"We'll blow our own s*** up. We don't need you." (Jon Stewart)

A doctor on the upper west side blew up his townhouse this week.
He just blew it up.
I haven't seen anyone wreck a home like this since Angelina Jolie." (David Letterman)

Reports now say the explosion could have been the result of a suicide attempt by the building's owner which is ridiculous because everyone knows New York City landlords are incapable of showing any remorse.
The White House has already made a statement assuring everyone that the explosion has nothing to do with terrorism.
So, President Bush's poll numbers must be up. (Jake Novak)

TERRORISM.The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded.
So I guess, mission accomplished. (David Letterman)

Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe.
Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help. (Jay Leno)

Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile.
Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper.
I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food.I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery. (Jon Stewart)

A spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining,
"It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in." (Andy Borowitz)

SECURITY.
The Pentagon tested an anti-missile system in New Mexico Wednesday.
The test was an incomplete success.
While the interceptor was shooting down the incoming missile, three thousand illegal aliens walked right across the border under its nose.(Argus Hamilton)

IMMIGRATION.It is estimated that a plan to deport all illegal aliens would cost $215 billion. Which is exactly how much money Walmart has made by using them as employees. (Jim Barach)

Bill Clinton blasted anti-immigration supporters at the National Council of La Raza convention in Los Angeles Saturday.
Thousands of Hispanics poured into Los Angeles for the convention.
The hot weather in the desert kept the numbers down. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ.Democratic U.S. Senators Joe Biden and Jake Reed flew to Baghdad Friday to get a first-hand look at the new government of Iraq.
The prime minister of Iraq was elected by the newly commissioned Iraqi parliament.
If the U.S. Senate were allowed to elect the U.S. president, every four years there would be a hundred-way tie. (Argus Hamilton)

Saddam Hussein went on a hunger strike Wednesday to protest the poor security provided for his defense lawyers.
In the last month, three have been shot and killed by gunmen.
They've got to stop taking the freeway to the Los Angeles Airport. (Argus Hamilton)

We finally found some weapons of mass destruction.
The bad news?
They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky. (Jay Leno)

NORTH KOREA.President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions.
You know what that means?
No oil over there." (Jay Leno)

North Korea's long-range missile test was examined Wednesday by intelligence analysts looking at satellite photos.
The missile went up for almost a minute, then it fizzled.
North Korea is fifty-eight years old so they are right on schedule. (Argus Hamilton)

The security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-Il, a nerdy pompadour, platform shoe wearer who looks like something you would put on the end of your child's pencil. (Jon Stewart)

North Korean president Kim Jong-Il agreed to drop his missile testing program after the U.S. threatened to send a panel of loonies to confer with him.
The North Korean madman said the prospect of listening to Michael Moore, Howard Dean, and Al Franken is enough to convince anybody to stop doing anything. (Scott Witt)

Japan says they're now considering whether attacking North Korea's missile sites would violate their Constitution.
Imagine that. Government leaders worried about violating their Constitution.
That's something you don't see anymore. (Jay Leno)

MEXICO.Earlier last week the leftist candidate was declared the winner in the Mexican presidential election.
Then after the recount, the conservative candidate was named president. Apparently, they had some problem with the ballots.
They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.'" (Jay Leno)

Mexico had a problem with their election last week.
Very, very close and returns are still coming in from Van Nuys, Rancho Cucamonga, San Jose. (Jay Leno)Now the losing candidate, the liberal, is asking for a ballot recount of all 41 million votes. Conservatives say there aren't enough people to do the work.
I have an idea.
Why don't we send them some of our temporary guest workers?. (Jay Leno)

Mexico is enjoying a bit of American style democracy.
The recent election between conservative Felipe Calderon and leftist Andres Obrador was too close to call, went to a contested recount and is now facing protest and legal action.
Gee, I hope Mexico doesn't descend into chaos, with many of its residents fleeing its borders. (Jon Stewart)

CANADA.Former Presidential candidate George McGovern praised Canada as he spoke to a reunion of Vietnam War draft dodgers north of the border.
Unfortunately, neither George W. Bush nor Bill Clinton could attend the reunion. (Jim Barach)

FRANCE.Friday is Bastille Day in France.
It's the day Frenchmen commemorate the freeing of all prisoners from the infamous pre-revolutionary prison except for those convicted of head-butting. (Jake Novak)
INTERNATIONAL.While the Mexicans are fighting over which president they want, the Polish have decided to double their pleasure by naming Jaroslaw Kaczynskias Prime Minister on Saturday, joining his twin brother, Lech, who is the current president.
How to tell the Kaczynskias apart?
Well, follow the guidelines provided by Sunday's Washington Post:
Lech is distinguished by two extra moles on his face;
Jaroslaw is the unmarried brother who lives with their mother. (Jon Stewart)

President Bush left for the G8 Summit today in Russia.
The White House says he's going to try and convince other world leaders to develop nuclear power.
Apparently,it's working, because so far, Bush has convinced Iran and North Korea. (Conan O'Brien)Despite yesterday's train bombings that killed more than 150 people, India's stock market gained an impressive 3% in today's trading.
Indian investors are cheering the first-ever realistic solution to the country's population problem. (Jake Novak)

The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy.
The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland. (Jay Leno)

Vladimir Putin ridiculed Dick Cheney's criticism of Russian policy Wednesday as another shotgun misfire.
The vice president shouldn't reply.
If shooting a Republican lawyer in the face doesn't win a KGB agent's trust in your judgment, perhaps nothing ever will. (Argus Hamilton)

Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel greeted President Bush Wednesday.American presidents always love flying to Berlin.
You have never really heard Hail to the Chief until you've heard sixty thousand Germans singing it as you step off the plane.(Argus Hamilton)

State Department officials urged China Sunday to put more pressure on North Korea to halt its nuclear program and missile tests.
We have no leverage with China. Wal-Mart can always get their goods made in the Sudan but if China takes back its giant panda cub the National Zoo in Washington D.C. will have to close its doors. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY.The White House said Monday the federal budget deficit is one hundred billion less than previously thought.
The Treasury is awash in surplus tax revenues.President Bush is so unused to getting good news that he ordered a full investigation out of habit. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast.
It's less, yeah.
The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself. (Conan O'Brien)

A new study says there are fewer women in the work force than in 2000.
The study failed to mention that since President Bush has taken over, there are fewer everybodyin the workforce. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE.The space shuttle astronauts docked with the space station Friday.
They went there to drop off food and pick up trash.
When you remember that these guys are not union garbage collectors you don't have to wonder why the foam keeps getting cracked.(Argus Hamilton)

President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle.
The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet. (Conan O'Brien)

The space shuttle Discovery has been cleared to return to Earth. Now that President Bush's poll numbers are up a bit, the White House won't have to blow the shuttle up to help boost national unity. (Jake Novak)Discovery astronauts made repairs on the International Space Station during a seven-hour space walk, six hours of which were spent on hold with a tech support representative in Bangalore. (Andy Borowitz)

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people?
THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP.
Great!
Just what we need!
Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do!
Thanks a lot, Scientific Community. (Dave Barry)

HEALTH.A study says that obesity and smoking raises the risk of impotence.
Does it matter?
Who wants to have sex with a fat wheezer? (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER.Hot in New York City today, isn't it?
It was so hot up in Chappaqua Bill Clinton got in bed with Hillary just for the chills. (David Letterman)The World Meteorological Organization has retired hurricane names Katrina, Dennis, Rita, Stan and Wilma.
They are also looking into discontinuing the name FEMA.(Jim Barach)President Bush told People magazine this week that he's working on a solution for global warming.
He says it will be ready in less than six months.
Yeah, it's called winter. (Jay Leno)

National Weather Service scientists are studying the 1957 Fargo, N.D. tornado that killed thirteen and destroyed 1,300 homes.
And you thought FEMA was slow.
As it turns out, the National Weather Service wanted to study the tornado that hit North Dakotafor some time. They were just waiting for a nice day. (Jim Barach)

THE ENVIRONMENT.A new study says global warming might be responsible for an increase in fires in the western United States.
And vice versa. (Jim Barach)

SPORTS.
The worst insult to hurl at a French soccer player:
"You play like an American!" (Jake Novak)

France lost the World Cup Sunday after Zinedine Zidane was ejected for head-butting.
The Algerian on the French team rammed into the Saudi Arabian on the Italian team.
It's a rivalry as old as New York City Cab versus New York Yellow Cab. (Argus Hamilton)

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup.
They won after France's best player got ejected for headbutting.
That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years. (Jay Leno)

People are still talking about that French player, Zinedine Zidane, who was kicked out of the World Cup for head butting an Italian; it is the most controversy anyone has caused by using their head since, well, Monica Lewinski. (Alex Kaseberg)

Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi strongly denies he called Zinedine Zidane a terrorist before the French captain head-butted him in the World Cup final, insisting he "doesn't even know what an Islamic terrorist is."
Of course, nobody else in Europe seems to know what an Islamic terrorist is either. (Jake Novak)

A new football stadium in New York for the Giants and Jets will cost more than a billion dollars to build.
Of course, at least half of that is for bribes for city inspectors.
The hardest part will be finding Jimmy Hoffa's body to bury him at the new site. (Jim Barach)

It took two overtimes and a shootout, but Italy finally beat France to capture the World Cup.
It was the first title for the Italians in 24 years, and the first time anyone from France had worked overtime in 50 years. (Jake Novak)

French captian Zinedine Zidone's head butt costs his team the World Cup.
He was not only ejected, but police may bring a charge of assault with an empty weapon.
On a brighter note, he was awarded the coveted Woody Hayes Trophy. (Bob Mills)

The Tour de France continues.
In the last stage, the bikers face the ultimate test.
"Bonjour, pee in this cup." (Alan Ray)

The "Spirit of Troy" marching band of USC is being moved from prime seats behind the team to the end zone.
The University says it's so the people can hear them better.
Sure.
In a couple of years someone will just occasionally throw in a CD of "Tusk" to play over the P.A. system. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT.Pirates of the Caribbean starring Johnny Depp set an opening weekend record at the box office Sunday.
Entire families stood in line for the midnight shows wearing pirate costumes. The children looked so cute in their gas station uniforms. (Argus Hamilton)Johnny Depp's next movie is about a baseball team that can't win, "The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean." (Jay Leno)Pirates of the Caribbean:
Dead Man's Chest set an opening weekend box office record on Sunday.
The marketing was pure genius.
The studio may have doubled the ticket sales when they demoted Johnny Depp and gave top billing to Air Conditioned. (Argus Hamilton)

The sequel to "Pirates of the Caribbean" made $132 million in three days.That is the biggest take by pirates since gas went up to $3 a gallon. (Jim Barach)

"You, Me and Dupree" is about a guest with good intentions that just won't leave, or as the Iraqis call the movie, "Bush, Cheney and me" (Conan O'Brien)

A court has ruled that companies can't sell movies that have been edited to remove sex, violence and profanity for family viewing.
For one thing, it's hard to end up with anything lasting longer than three minutes. (Jim Barach)

THE MEDIA.Dan Rather has reached a deal to host a weekly news program on the premium high-definition channel HDNet. Perhaps now that he'll be on a show with sharper video quality, he'll be able to tell the difference between forged documents and the real thing. (Jake Novak)

Experts say Ann Coulter lifted significant portions of her last few books from other authors which makes sense, because everything else she does she copies from the Wicked Witch of the West. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES.A former mobster from Philadelphia said there was a plan to kill Geraldo Rivera. Unfortunately, it was foiled.
Nobody was able to sneak up behind Geraldo because he's always looking in the mirror. (Conan O'Brien)

RELIGION.Pope Benedict XVI preached an anti-gay message in Spain, saying the country had lost touch with traditional family values.
He then returned to the Vatican, where he lives with a bunch of other old unmarried men. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION.The American Literary Council is pushing a plan to adopt phonetic spelling.That means for once, Alabama would actually be leading the way academically.
Asked about the possibility of phonetic spelling, President Bush says he hates to have to spell something when he's on the phone. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE.Carving out his position on what could prove to be an effective wedge issue in the upcoming midterm elections, President George W. Bush said today that he would support a constitutional amendment banning gay divorce.
At a campaign rally in Idaho, the President said that gay divorce poses a threat to the institution of traditional divorce, adding, "Traditional divorce must always be defined as a divorce between a man and a woman."
The president added that if gay divorce were legal in the United States, it would only exacerbate the nation's illegal immigration problem, as gay married couples swarm over the borders from Mexico and Canada seeking so-called gay "quickie" divorces. (Andy Borowitz)

China's first lunar probe will carry thirty pieces of Chinese music into space.
The public is being asked for requests.
Westerners are confused.
China has more than one song?
President Bush was asked which piece of Chinese music he would like to send on the flight.
He said his favorite Chinese song is "China Grove."
He also likes that other song, "Sukiyaki." (Jim Barach)

HISTORY.Today is a historic day.
On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton.
A vice president shooting a guy?
I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today. (David Letterman)

Virginia Governor, Tim Kaine exonerated colonial subject Grace Sherwood this week.
Three hundred years ago she was convicted of being a witch after trial by water.The same thing happened just last year to Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a series of just published letters that Albert Einstein sent to his second wife, he had ten mistresses.
He would send his wife letters about his mistresses and then ask her for advice.
Or as Bill Clinton called him, "a trailblazer, a pioneer." (Jay Leno)Newly discovered letters reveal that Albert Einstein may have had at least six different affairs while he was married to his second wife, Elsa, who was his cousin.
Yes, Einstein was married to his cousin.
That brings a whole new meaning to the theory of relativity. (Alex Kaseberg)

Albert Einstein's love letters to his mistresses were released Wednesday.He was so romantic. One time he took a beautiful woman to dinner, and when she ordered pasta and mushrooms he promised to make her a mushroom that will really impress her. (Argus Hamilton)
BUSINESS.McDonald's has a new series of TV commercials aimed at kids as young as 2 years old.
This explains their new sandwich, the McNipple. (Conan O'Brien)

Pay Pal is enabling people to use their cell phones as debit cards.
This means when Naomi Campbell hits someone in the head with her phone, they can use it to pay at the Emergency Room. (Jim Barach)Three people were arrested after trying to sell the formula for Coke to Pepsi-Cola.
Pepsi didn't need it.
They know if you add enough sugar to water, people will drink all you can make. (Jim Barach)

OTHER.Here are the rules of campaign trail kissing for a male politician:
If you're campaigning to a group of men, no kissing.
Firm handshakes only.
Middle-aged women you could go for a hand or cheek kiss.
Toddlers...anything not covered by clothes, you can kiss.
If you lift something up, you're asking for trouble.
Now the good news, babies -- pretty much open season -- anywhere but the anus. (Jon Stewart)---------