Jokes&Humor
- Wave That Towel.
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since, a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion..
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck, THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"Hans Schmidt.
A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading :"Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Chinese man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.
The Chinese gentleman explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German.
When asked his name, the German replied:"Hans Schmidt."
When the immigration officer asked the Chinese man his name, he had replied:"Sam Ting."FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends:"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps:"My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say: 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly:"My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle: "Well.....?"
She replies:"My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say:'Oh my God...'."George W. Bush Statements.
"I'll give you an interesting idea that took place in Maine. They've got Maine lobstermen are now patrolling the coast on a volunteer basis to make sure that somebody in a -- somebody carrying something they don't want to carry in a boat shows up on the coast. I mean, there's all kinds of ways to serve the community."
- George Bush, Daytona Beach, FL, January 30, 2002.
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."
- June 14, 2001, Press Conference
"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well."
- June 4, 2001
"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
- May 11, 2001
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''
- February 21, 2001
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
- Jan. 29, 2001.YOUR JoKe:
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because, women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
YOUR StOrY:
My brother was his graduating class's valedictorian.
When he stood up to speak, all was going just fine, until he closed with:
"And in closing I'll just say that there are two great honours a man can hope to achieve in his lifetime. And these two honours are, GET ON HER and STAY ON HER !"
The crowd busted a gut laughing, but my father was in big hot water since Mom knew exactly who had coached my brother with that one.Grandma Goes To Court.
Defence Attorney:What is your age?
Little Old Woman:I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:Did you know him?
Little Old Woman:No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman:He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman:No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Woman:He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman:No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Woman:Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defence! Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Woman:Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him: "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defence Attorney:Did he take you?
Little Old Woman:Hell, no. That's when he yelled:"April Fool!".And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
