Airlines announcements

LAST ONE IS BEST. 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture & announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,  when a  flight attendant announced, 

"People, people we're not  picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it ! "

2. On a Continental Flight with a "very senior" flight attendant crew,  the pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude  & will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort &  to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your  belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's  something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only  4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed  giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a  lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis,  a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care  when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like  that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8 From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest  Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into  the buckle, pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; &  if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be  out in public un-supervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, pull it over your face.  If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,  but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, &   remember,  nobody loves you,  or your money,  more than  Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of  an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them  with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight  attendants.   Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the  industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight ! "

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom & said,  "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm  here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,  it wasn't the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,  the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard  landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome  to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened    while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces  us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which  required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, & give them a  "Thanks for flying our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart  comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady  walking with a cane. She said,    "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"    " Why, no, Ma'am,"  said the pilot.  "What is it?" The little old lady said,   "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until  Capt. Crash &  the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching  halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared & the  warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to  thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized  metal tube, we hope you'll think of  US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if  you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the  wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a c omfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York  to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we  should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back & relax . . .    "OH, MY GOD ! "  Silence followed, and after a few minutes the  captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,  I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,  the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"  A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"