Re: XXXX - Jokaroo!

Asleep In Church.

A man who went to Church with his wife was always falling asleep during the sermon.

The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:  

"... And who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.."

She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:

"Good God all mighty".

The minister said:

"That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:

"... And who died  on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he  jumped up and shouted:

"Jesus Christ".

The Minister said:

"That's Right! That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to: "... And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:

"If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off"!

 

Joke #2.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.  

The week flew by and they all had a great time.  

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says:

"I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says:

"I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says:

"You guys think you have it bad!  My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and a butt full of quarters!

 

Joke #3.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ.  

After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."

"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly:

"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks:

"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Bill replies:

"Is Dorothy around?"

 

Joke #4.

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an opossum.

Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal.

Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road.

The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."

She exclaims:

"I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"

The husband replies:

"Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"

 

Joke #5.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."

So, the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...

....BAD DOG!"

 

Joke # 6.

Four Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said:

"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said:

"That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said:

"In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:

"Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"