XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.
The genie popped out and said,
"I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

Nurse:
A pan handler.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up
the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge;
Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.
He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate,
"I don't know what all this is about your Honour. I'm a college student
doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said,
"Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My
computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said,
"Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills
along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days
and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply,
"I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"
She sneered and replied,
"Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn
a single trick."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."


I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's shoved so much meat in her mouth, Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog
Eating Contest.

David went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his
penis,
The doctor took one look and told him he had V. D.
"No way," said the shocked David, blushing terribly. "It must be a cold."
"Call it what you like, David," said the doctor. "But, until it sneezes,
we'll have to treat it for V. D."

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek,
It doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

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EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

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XXX: ADULT PUNS!

There once was a lady named Cager,
Who readily agreed to a wager,
She consented to fart,
The entire oboe part,
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said,
"Do you like sex?"
I said,
"Of course I like sex."
She said,
"Do you like to travel?"
I said,
"Yeah, I love to travel."
She said,
"Then f*ck off."

Sign outside a brothel:
Married men not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
The bloke cried,
"What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a
bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the
bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with
only one leg to catch a sheep"

90% of gals have a left boob bigger than the right
Because
90% of boys are right handed.

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bob told his friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair," Mike suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bob. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So, Bob went home and said,
"Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "
Forget it," said his wife, "I've tried that and it's never worked."

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman
Instead of
Same position with different women.

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming,
"Maggie, cud ye be sewin on a wee button that's come off of ma fly? I canna
button ma troosers."
"Och, Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up the stairs and see if Mrs.
MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of Yelling
and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door
with a black eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
Maggie looks at him and says,
"My god Angus, what happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I
told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did,
everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread,
Mr MacDonald walked in."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's been banged more than my snooze button.

A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems,
but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
"Are you feeling ok?" he asked.
"Well, to be honest, have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."

Such an unfair world:
When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $8.50/min (charges may vary).

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A Doctor recently had a patient 'drop-in' on him for an unscheduled
appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied,
"Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get
all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I'm
scared!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,
"Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man
of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these
symptoms?"
The old gent replied,
"Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Misconception:
A pregnancy that begins while using birth control?


A man's whole life could be changed by a fortuitous slip of the rubber.


An old woman was taken to a gynaecologist for the very first time, and of
course the gynaecologist was a very young and handsome fellow.
The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman
was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination.
Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come
in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results.
She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said,
"What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked,
"Are they your babies?"
He answered,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a
clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and
he said,
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
If dicks were cars, her mouth would be a parking garage.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Noel Coward:
A man who's afraid to go home to his wife after the annual Christmas Party.



A man came up to a farmer and said,
"Sir, I want to marry your daughter."
The farmer said,
"Okay, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the
cow, and then you can marry my daughter." So, the man did as he was told.
He came back, and the farmer is laughing.
"You have to do it one more time; that was the funniest thing I ever saw!"
So, the man again did as he was told.
He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground
still laughing.
"Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter."
So, for the third time, the man done as he was told.
He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing.
"Okay, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, Son."
"To hell with your daughter, Sir. I want your cow!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
I tried to use her name as my password and it said "error: too easy".

The research worker conducting a sex survey found discrepancies between a
husband's answers and his wife's.
The researcher phoned him and said,
"Mr. Jones, something's wrong with your survey. Under 'Frequency of
Intercourse' you answered, 'Two times a week' but your wife answered, 'Seven
times a night.'"
"No, that's correct," replied Mr. Pullman. "But that's only 'till we pay off
our second mortgage!"

If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade,
Would it go both ways?

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a
pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

A woman who likes to monkey around with a lot of men,
Could be called an organ grinder.

Movies and Video Games don't kill children.
Adults carrying assault weapons kill children.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man named Odom
Whose balls were too big for his scrotum
Though it was relief that he sought
It all went for naught
Cause he didn't know how to unloadem

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Irvin. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is
now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent
piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom
mansion, you drive a $650,000 Ferrari, you get $5,000 a week allowance, you
take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away -- over 45
cents?
Now that's a REAL Jewish mother talking!

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

This morning I walked to the local Mall wearing my raincoat and nothing
else, and opened it in front of a group of shoppers.
An old lady commented,
"Is that all you've got?"
Well, it looked like the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

This morning when I got up I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up with the
Poli-Grip.
Now I talk like an ass hole, but my gums don't itch.

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.
She says,
"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so
great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest
thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this
strange tingling sensation between my toes."
The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.
He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.
"Actually no," She replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

Jack was nimble,
But
Jack was quick.
So, Jill preferred the candlestick!

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when
the subject of sex came up.
Now, Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says,
"Last night I made love to my wife three times! This morning, she was so
happy she made me my favourite breakfast of eggs and grits."
Now, Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin
Billy-Bob, he says,
"That's nothing. Last night I made love to my wife five times. She was so
happy, she not only made me my favourite breakfast of biscuits and gravy,
she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another
man."
Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something.
Finally, I just said in a quiet voice,
"I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn't fix me anything
for breakfast."
Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me,
"Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?"
"Just two words," I answered. "Don't stop".

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She doesn't sleep in her own bed often enough to wash the sheets.

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Not Blonde jokes, Blond Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond
man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take t

hem to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get
there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on
all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"
he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to
me." The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO
NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it
up. (I had to think about this one a minute)


A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her
husband!"

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly, he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he
tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your
air freshener swinging about!"

A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still
missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he
replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says
the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

(This one actually makes sense.)

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blond man replies: "If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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Advice from a Friend

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with
my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been
known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home
after a "social session" out with friends.

Well last weekend I was out for an evening with friends celebrating the
season and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the
limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a
cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was
a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a
real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got
it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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XX Female logic backfires

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady named Heather,
Whose vagina was made out of leather,
She made an odd noise,
That attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says.
"What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful
woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says,
"Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink."
She replies,
"Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am
finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of
experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked
"How did you ever accomplish that?"
"I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said.
The woman replied
"What a coincidence!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But she's shoved so much meat in her mouth,
Nathan's banned her from the Hot Dog Eating Contest.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said,
"Do you like sex?"
I said,
"Of course, I like sex."
She said,
"Do you like to travel?"
I said,
"Yeah, I love to travel."
She said,
"Then f*ck off."

It seems this guy has a habit of calling in on Monday morning, with the
complaint,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says,
"He's great. He does the work of two guys. We don't want to lose him."
The boss calls the guy into his office.
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a really good
worker and I don't want to fire you. What's the problem, what can we do to
help? Is it drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy stutters a bit, then grimaces and sighs.
"Nah," the man says, "I don't drink or do drugs. But, well, my
brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then he beats on my sister. So
every Monday morning, she calls me crying, and I go over to make sure she's
all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to
another, and the next thing you know, we're having sex."
"What?" his boss yells. "You have sex with your sister?"
"Hey," the guy snarls. "I told you I was sick."


Good girls keep their eye on the clock.
Bad girls keep their eye on the calendar.
Naughty girls name the baby after their fathers

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Our three breasted cousin, Miss Drew,
Says she wishes she only had two,
The boys pinch and feel 'em,
For she can't conceal 'em,
Brassieres for three knockers are few.

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.
One of the prostitutes calls out:
"Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?"
The old man replies:
"No, my child, I can not!"
The prostitute:
"Cheer up! Let us try!"
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old The prostitute says:
"Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot"
The old man replies:
"Aaah, Sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
She calls her underwear "ankle warmers."

A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could
expect a complete recovery.
She asked him,
"How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after
having their tonsils out."

How is sex like a roll of toilet paper?
After you tear off the first piece the rest comes easy.

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring
afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest
stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily, a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop
behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.
"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a
flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."
And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with
one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the
other.
"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.
The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman who casually lifted it
up with his free hand, manoeuvred it into place, and proceeded to tighten
the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's
snatch."
"Hmmmm," mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bob told his friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair," Mike suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bob. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bob went home and said,
"Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife, "I've tried that and it's never worked."

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their
age.
The old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex."

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Donuts.

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Misinterpretation?

It all makes sense now ...

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized all in the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years?

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XX ADULT PUNS!

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame,
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?" Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's been in more laps than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

To spice up our sex life I proposed role-playing to my wife and she
accepted,
So, yesterday I walked into the bedroom and announced,
"Hi, I'm the hunky garden boy. Are you the lady who needs help with her
bush?"
She replied,
"Actually, I need help with the lawn. Go outside and mow it."
"What?"
"Go and mow the lawn," she repeated. "You haven't mowed in two weeks, you
lazy bum!"
I think we'll need to work harder on the finer points of role-playing, but
in the meanwhile I am not going to present myself as the hunky pool-cleaning
boy, or the hunky handyman. (Marizio Mariotti)

No wonder Santa's so damn jolly,
He knows where all the bad girls live

Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought their wives for
Christmas.
Tom said,
"I got my wife a 3-carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW."
Harry asked,
"If you got her a 3-carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW?"
"So if she didn't like the ring, I knew that she would like the BMW," said
Tom,
"Well what did you get your wife?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Tom laughed and asked
"Why'd you get her a dildo?"
"Well," said Harry, "so if she didn't like the flip-flops she could go screw
herself"

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said, 'I can't believe I have a person inside me!'
I said, 'So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?'"

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.
The husband sighs and says,
"Man, what a rip off! It was all over in 3 minutes!"
The wife mutters,
"Now you know how I feel."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning, the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said
"I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"
He then continues and says,
"It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look,
"Um son, we don't have a cow, We have a bull!"

Husband to wife:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife.
Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband.
Stiff at last.'"

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.
The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."
A week later, hubby returned home, and found the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he said, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it
in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's taken more loads than an old washing machine.

Judy took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied, "Who did I miss?"

I have just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that
have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another
when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

A guy says,
"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies,
"Well, ER, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Read More...

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Seniors Leaving Britain

News Flash from the offshore Portland Bill

The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the South coast of
England today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading
to,
but away from Britain towards the Middle East.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British
who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to the
Middle East
so as to be able to return to Britain as illegal immigrants
and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving
as legitimate
British pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel
and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out,
Please let me know if you want to come.

Read More...

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Christmas Warning

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a
one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are
required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs
for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is
appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where
there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be
obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that
laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by
any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While
provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras
from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are
reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for
known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded
that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that
all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to
account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of
Glory.
Following last year's well publicized case, everyone is advised that EEOC
legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of
Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer
games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be
taken against those found guilty of this offense.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various
parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the
bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be
registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal
personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold
are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices
Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as
aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger
without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be
arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas,
Risk Management Department

Read More...

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Three women & the electric chair

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to
be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe
in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the
floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just
graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately
fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
from the University of Tennessee and I just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Read More...

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The new 11th Commandment

ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT



During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses and Saint Peter
concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Monica has
brought about the need for an 11th Commandment.



They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to
settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized
that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the
original Ten Commandments.



They persevered with their brain-storming and drafted the 11th.



After many revisions, they finally agreed that the 11th commandment should be:



"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Read More...

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Beggars can be Choosers

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues
for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, " it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes
Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 10
every day, then Rs. 7.50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

" Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university, it's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs".

"This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my
expenses even further."

" And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar,

" I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense".

Read More...

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You tell 'em girl

He Said To Me!



He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
I said to him ...... You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ............. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said … That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on
the sofa and fart




He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .... They don't have time.






He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
I said to him .... I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find women who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
I said. . . A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Read More...

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The effect of email warnings

As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put
lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to
die for the 1,387,258th time.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing
while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on
it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one
pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons
of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.




I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes,
feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer doesn't
crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could
be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in
the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and
buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand
will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Read More...

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The toilet seat..

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our
toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After
finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint
had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her
(Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Read More...

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The pantie.. xxxx (MORE SUITED FOR THE ADULT) !!!

Police officer George, and women Police officer Annabelle and their police
dog Rex had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short
time when Mary said,
"Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties!
It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff
between your legs, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog
took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner
with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the superintendent's 'balls' in
his mouth!

Read More...

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Politicians

What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

~ Aesop , Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.

~ Plato , ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.

~ Nikita Khrushchev , Russian politician




When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.

~Quoted in ' Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.

~ John Quinton , American actor/writer


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~ Oscar Ameringer , "the Mark Twain of American Socialism"


The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.

AND ......................

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then
they get elected and prove it.

~ P.J. O'Rourke , American comedian


I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952


A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.

~ Charles de Gaulle , French general & politician


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.

~ Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the
1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

"Politics is the last resort of a scoundrel."


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~ Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw

Read More...

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XXX ADULT PUNS

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been screwin' her sheep.


A guy walks up to a woman and begins staring at her legs.
He says,
"You have very nice legs."
While blushing, the woman thanks him and asks for his name.
The man says,
"My name isn't important," and continues staring at her legs.
He looks up at her face and says,
"You have extremely nice legs. What time do they open?"


The nymphomaniac said to her friend,
"I've got an odd problem every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks,
"What are you doing about it?"
"Sniffing pepper!"

Read More...

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Sharp eyed stewardess

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other up,
And
Both realise they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket,
And
She looks delighted.

Rear toilet?
He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up
to,
So, she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio
.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet,
We know what you are doing,
And
It is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out
And
Take the condom off the smoke detector."

Read More...

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OFFICE LANGUAGE...

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.


SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and
then leaves.


ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the 0 adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.


FLIGHT RISK:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the
company or department soon.


OHNO-SECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake.
Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.


PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

Read More...

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Cell Phone Etiquette.................

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:? "Hi
sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six
thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young
woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into
the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer. Cell phone
etiquette, ya think?

Read More...

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Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his

drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,

all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're

all right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money

situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket

and pull out €100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.

Read More...

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Making a Baby

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!

Read More...

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

She wasn't too bold, not too willing
And she did stare a lot at the ceiling...
But once with this rogue
She put down her vogue
And said, "That was mod'rately thrilling."


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex
positions.
One says
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What
is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from
behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper
in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold
on for 8 seconds."
.

"Nice threads, Man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"
"My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me. I came home from work early the other day, and there they were,
hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


The difference between a bitch and a whore is;
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party,
And
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the
old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'hereafter' routine."
"The' here after' routine -- what's that" she asked?
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm no
longer here."

I'm not saying she's easy,
But
Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was:
"Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the
same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?' Then I say,
'No' and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
The teacher says to him,
"Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning, John comes to school and his eye is fine, and the
teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that John comes back with another black eye.
"My goodness, John, why the black eye again?"
He tells her,
"Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' I shut up and kept dead
still. Then my father and my mother started moving, and Mom was breathing
erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented
hyena on the bed. After a while, my father asked my mother, 'Are you
coming?' and my mom said, 'I'm coming. Are you coming. Too?' My dad
answered, 'Yes.'
They don't go anywhere without me, so I said,
'Wait for me.'"

Read More...

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A man and his dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he
was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road.

It looked like fine marble..

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the
sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like
pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at
a desk to one side.



When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing
toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed.

There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book....





'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind.'

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Conversion

Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill & cook a
tandoori chicken & some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict
Catholics.. & since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken &
meat on a Fridays.The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa & suggested that he become a
Catholic.After several classes & much study, Santa attended a Mass.. & as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, &
raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic!"
Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The
wonderful aroma of punjabi tandoori chicken & delicious meat kebabs filled
the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors.. & as
he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary & prepared to scold him,
he stopped & watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meats & chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken,
& you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken & you were raised a lamb,
but now you are a potato & you a tomato..!!"
The Priest fainted....:-) :-

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Not quite PC (Definitely NOT)

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
sods.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go
to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat
bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your
tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like
for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank
you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you
fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can
survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can
read, but bless you for having a go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham.


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came
over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song
then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says,
insert £2 and push knob in'.


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a
celebrity, get me out of here'. Show Biz sources think she'll
do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for
the last thirty years.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

What do ugly chicks and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride
Till
Your friends catch you on one.


I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's been at more bedsides than Dr. McDreamy.

"So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last
weekend."
"What happened?"
"Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, 'Do
you want to taste it?'"
"Oh, My God! What did you do?"
"Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, 'No, you go ahead. You
don't have enough to share.'"

According to a recent issue of Nature Biotechnology, scientists have
implanted human DNA into female goats.
Is that really new?
Lonely farmers have been doing that for years.

"I've had it with my wife." said one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm
filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner.
"May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first
"Listen, Frank, with all due respect to your religious beliefs, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that,Frank. I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony?
Everything was fine until his business started falling off.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'.
The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will
make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said:
"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my
lips."
The Texan looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,
"I didn't know we had a choice."

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra.

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DOUBLE STANDARDS

Hi, I am Julian Assange, I provide private information about
corporations and governments to the public for free. I'm a villain.

Hi, I am Mark Zuckerberg. I provide private information about
individuals to corporations for money. I am Time Magazine's Man of
the Year.

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Good old Brits....

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN Damn those Brits are smart !!

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The Good Napkins

THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh. The joys of having Girls... My mother taught me
to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the
bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in
the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the
bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her
second mistake).


Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for
all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they
returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next
came his wife who gasped, Then began giggling. Next came my father, who
roared with laughter.


Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail
in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these
and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of
laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

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Everything is relative-Einstein

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives
off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the
Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He
ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The
Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it
up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue
ball, he measures everything first."

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Irish Road Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

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If my body was a car

If my body was a car,
this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus
And it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

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XXXXXXX The French vs The English

During an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French
gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynaecologist : "Don't be silly, it couldn't have been that big, my
good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."


French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size............... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.


"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

He said,
"Want a quickie?"
She said,
"As opposed to what?"

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...
Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or
vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general
consensus is:
1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the
process.
2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.
3. Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking
when meat is removed from the diet.
You're still my favourite lap dance,
Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?
I can see it in my mind's eye;
Your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.
She looks at you and says,
"I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak
and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do." Damn.
A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it
nourishment.
I gotta get me a vegan.

A cop pulls over a blond and walks up to the car and unzips his pants.
The blond says,
"Oh no, not another breath test."

I'm not saying she's easy
But
she's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.

There's nothing better than waking up to your girlfriend giving you a blow
job.
Unless, maybe, it was your wife giving you the blow job.
Or maybe your wife watching her girlfriend give you a blow job.
Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend and your girlfriend all fighting
over who gets to give you a blow job and they all decide to tag team on the
blow job.

What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet, then on your dick.

A slightly overweight woman was opening up to the group at her weight
watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure."
"Well," the group leader assured her, "Whatever helps you reach your goal!"
"You don't understand," the woman said. "He does it while I'm stuck at these
damn meetings."

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

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Leroy's Special needs.....

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed
over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray for?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

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LAWYERS !

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this
creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his
limb."

"Well put," the judge replied.

"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on
the bench, and walked out. ...


Don't mess with Lawyers.....manipulation is their game !!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy.
A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion.
Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.
The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a
special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.
The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra.
She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started
flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband 'the dentist'. Nobody can drill like he does!"
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband 'the miner' because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always comes late, and half the time puts it's in the wrong
box."

The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor.
"How did you get on at the doctors?" asks the husband sympathetically.
"Not very well at all" replies the wife.
"The doctor said I had a nice pussy!"
He said,
"What? Are you sure he said that?"
"Yes, he said I had a nice pussy!" replies the wife indignantly.
So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to see the
doctor in the morning.
The next morning, the husband's at the front of the line in the doctor's
office.
He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personally to
his wife.
"You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it!"
"I did not say that to your wife," denies the doctor. "That would be against
a doctor's moral and ethical practice."
"Look, if my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take
you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," cries the doc. "Give me a minute and I'll go and
check my medical records."
Two minutes later the doctor returns,
"No, I didn't say your wife had a nice pussy, I said she had acute angina!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your
dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I
need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms
Because
A cavity is exactly what I'm hoping for.

One day, the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked,
"Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the
teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

This girl-about-town doesn't bother to vote in any election.
Says she doesn't care who gets in.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
She just threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was
carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex one the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially
when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion is
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day,
because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad
as my sister's."

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on
tampons with tinsel.
This will be just for the Christmas period.

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation,
the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked,
"How did this happen?"
"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by
candlelight."

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite.
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting one a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their
minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the
murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it
again," said the necrophile. "Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill
it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
The room went silent, then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
The masochist says,
"Meow."

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to hump her
every time she came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," the vet said, "We could cut his testicles off to cut his sex drive
down."
"Oh, no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip
his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

In porn flicks the woman once starred.
The men who she works with regard
Her with lots of respect.
She can get them erect.
On old guys it's easy: blow hard.



She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, gives her one over the kitchen table.
Afterwards he says,
"What was that all about?"
She says,
"the egg timer's broken!"

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked,
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that
pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried out. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

On wall in ladies room:
"My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it:
"I do not"

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "A fuckin' microwave?"

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Naughty girls unbutton your pants.

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BLACK ROBBERS - TRUE STORY

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.

'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating
figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her
next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors
as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God' she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'

Instinct told her to do what they told her...

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed
on the elevator floor.. A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh..

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the
floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was
too humiliated to speak.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to
her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as
they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached
to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said:







"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:







Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV.
It was about breast implants.
The wife said:
"I wish I had bigger breasts."
The man said:
"You don't have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with
toilet paper."
"How would that work the wife asked?"
The man said:
" Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and its got bigger!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well
deserved vacation.
Chandro the Lead Elf says,
"Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to
Miami. I'm gonna do nothing, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as
I can, and soak up the sun till I get this damn cold out of my bones.."
So, he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the
bar.
He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.
So, he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita.
Downs it, orders another one, downs that too.
He smiles at the blonde and says,
"Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little
Fuck"
She looks down and says,
"Hello you little Fuck".

VICE:
Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down
in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met
the man in the hallway.
She said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded.
Then, he opened his door and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to mother."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
But,
By turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's
libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was
delighted to hear about a new product called Now -Agra.
Each pill came with strict instructions;
'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So, Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory
action - and arranged to be home by six that evening.
Whilst he was finishing his day's work, she had a long soak in luxurious
bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and
ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was
beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park
the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any
difference so I said yes.
Then, I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I
thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So, I took it there and
then..."
"And?"
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel."

Why did the blonde put condoms one her ears?
She didn't want to get hearing aids.

One night, after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk.
A wrong turn led him into the red light district.
On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants
leaning against a lamppost.
Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said,
"My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You
can have me any time you want."

Good girls
Own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls
Own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls
Own the entire Fantasia collection.

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