XX ADULT PUNS!

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame,
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?" Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's been in more laps than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

To spice up our sex life I proposed role-playing to my wife and she
accepted,
So, yesterday I walked into the bedroom and announced,
"Hi, I'm the hunky garden boy. Are you the lady who needs help with her
bush?"
She replied,
"Actually, I need help with the lawn. Go outside and mow it."
"What?"
"Go and mow the lawn," she repeated. "You haven't mowed in two weeks, you
lazy bum!"
I think we'll need to work harder on the finer points of role-playing, but
in the meanwhile I am not going to present myself as the hunky pool-cleaning
boy, or the hunky handyman. (Marizio Mariotti)

No wonder Santa's so damn jolly,
He knows where all the bad girls live

Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought their wives for
Christmas.
Tom said,
"I got my wife a 3-carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW."
Harry asked,
"If you got her a 3-carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW?"
"So if she didn't like the ring, I knew that she would like the BMW," said
Tom,
"Well what did you get your wife?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Tom laughed and asked
"Why'd you get her a dildo?"
"Well," said Harry, "so if she didn't like the flip-flops she could go screw
herself"

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said, 'I can't believe I have a person inside me!'
I said, 'So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?'"

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.
The husband sighs and says,
"Man, what a rip off! It was all over in 3 minutes!"
The wife mutters,
"Now you know how I feel."