The effect of email warnings

As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put
lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to
die for the 1,387,258th time.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing
while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on
it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one
pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons
of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.




I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes,
feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer doesn't
crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could
be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in
the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies
supports Al Qaeda, and
buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand
will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.