XXX ADULT PUNS!

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning, the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said
"I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"
He then continues and says,
"It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look,
"Um son, we don't have a cow, We have a bull!"

Husband to wife:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife.
Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband:
"When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband.
Stiff at last.'"

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.
The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."
A week later, hubby returned home, and found the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he said, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it
in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
she's taken more loads than an old washing machine.

Judy took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said,
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"
She replied,
"Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said,
"You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied, "Who did I miss?"

I have just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.

I have some neighbours that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples that
have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another
when he says,
"My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

A guy says,
"I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies,
"Well, ER, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."