XX ADULT PUNS!

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

Two old guys were chatting.
The first old guy says to the second old guy,
"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."
The second old guy responded,
"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"
The first old guy says,
"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Noel Coward:
A man who's afraid to go home to his wife after the annual Christmas Party.



A man came up to a farmer and said,
"Sir, I want to marry your daughter."
The farmer said,
"Okay, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the
cow, and then you can marry my daughter." So, the man did as he was told.
He came back, and the farmer is laughing.
"You have to do it one more time; that was the funniest thing I ever saw!"
So, the man again did as he was told.
He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground
still laughing.
"Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter."
So, for the third time, the man done as he was told.
He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing.
"Okay, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, Son."
"To hell with your daughter, Sir. I want your cow!"

I'm not saying she's a slut,
But
I tried to use her name as my password and it said "error: too easy".

The research worker conducting a sex survey found discrepancies between a
husband's answers and his wife's.
The researcher phoned him and said,
"Mr. Jones, something's wrong with your survey. Under 'Frequency of
Intercourse' you answered, 'Two times a week' but your wife answered, 'Seven
times a night.'"
"No, that's correct," replied Mr. Pullman. "But that's only 'till we pay off
our second mortgage!"

If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade,
Would it go both ways?

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a
pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

A woman who likes to monkey around with a lot of men,
Could be called an organ grinder.

Movies and Video Games don't kill children.
Adults carrying assault weapons kill children.