Not quite PC (Definitely NOT)

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
sods.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go
to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat
bird who doesn't gobble any more.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your
tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like
for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank
you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you
fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can
survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can
read, but bless you for having a go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham.


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came
over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song
then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says,
insert £2 and push knob in'.


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a
celebrity, get me out of here'. Show Biz sources think she'll
do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for
the last thirty years.