XX ADULT PUNS!

Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy.
A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion.
Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.
The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a
special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.
The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra.
She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started
flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said,
"I call my husband 'the dentist'. Nobody can drill like he does!"
The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband 'the miner' because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said,
"The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always comes late, and half the time puts it's in the wrong
box."

The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor.
"How did you get on at the doctors?" asks the husband sympathetically.
"Not very well at all" replies the wife.
"The doctor said I had a nice pussy!"
He said,
"What? Are you sure he said that?"
"Yes, he said I had a nice pussy!" replies the wife indignantly.
So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to see the
doctor in the morning.
The next morning, the husband's at the front of the line in the doctor's
office.
He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personally to
his wife.
"You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it!"
"I did not say that to your wife," denies the doctor. "That would be against
a doctor's moral and ethical practice."
"Look, if my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take
you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," cries the doc. "Give me a minute and I'll go and
check my medical records."
Two minutes later the doctor returns,
"No, I didn't say your wife had a nice pussy, I said she had acute angina!"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your
dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I
need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms
Because
A cavity is exactly what I'm hoping for.

One day, the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked,
"Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the
teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

This girl-about-town doesn't bother to vote in any election.
Says she doesn't care who gets in.