XXX ADULT PUNS!

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV.
It was about breast implants.
The wife said:
"I wish I had bigger breasts."
The man said:
"You don't have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with
toilet paper."
"How would that work the wife asked?"
The man said:
" Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and its got bigger!"

I'm not saying she's easy
But
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well
deserved vacation.
Chandro the Lead Elf says,
"Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to
Miami. I'm gonna do nothing, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as
I can, and soak up the sun till I get this damn cold out of my bones.."
So, he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the
bar.
He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.
So, he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita.
Downs it, orders another one, downs that too.
He smiles at the blonde and says,
"Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little
Fuck"
She looks down and says,
"Hello you little Fuck".

VICE:
Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down
in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met
the man in the hallway.
She said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if
you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded.
Then, he opened his door and called out,
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to mother."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
But,
By turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

After several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's
libido with the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was
delighted to hear about a new product called Now -Agra.
Each pill came with strict instructions;
'To be taken only immediately before sex'.
So, Tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory
action - and arranged to be home by six that evening.
Whilst he was finishing his day's work, she had a long soak in luxurious
bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and
ready when the clock struck six.
When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was
beginning to worry...
Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"What happened?"
"Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park
the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any
difference so I said yes.
Then, I took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, I
thought I ought to give it time to 'kick in'. So, I took it there and
then..."
"And?"
"And I've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel."

Why did the blonde put condoms one her ears?
She didn't want to get hearing aids.

One night, after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk.
A wrong turn led him into the red light district.
On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants
leaning against a lamppost.
Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said,
"My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You
can have me any time you want."

Good girls
Own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls
Own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls
Own the entire Fantasia collection.