Friday, March 16, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

Brutus sees Julius Caesar leaving an orgy.
He asks Caesar how he did.
Caesar answers,
"Ate two, Brutus!"


A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cubs "Loveable
Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. In order to be
able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on
the balls."

There's no business like show business,
But
There's no job like a blow job.

The Democratic party is considering changing its emblem from a donkey to a
condom because
It expands with inflation,
Limits productivity,
Encourages cooperation,
And
Gives you a feeling of security,
Although
You know you're getting screwed.


The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So, one day he asked Bubba,
"Just what the hell is your secret?"
So, Bubba replies,
"Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em
forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower.
Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging
his cock on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you, Bubba?"

If you have a psychotic fixation and you go to the doctor and you want these
two fingers amputated, he will not cut them off.
But he will remove your genitals.

I have more trouble getting a prescription for valium than having my uterus
lowered and made into a penis.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other!

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed,
he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love? "
"That is something I have never done before, " Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin? " Jack was amazed.
"No, silly! " she giggled. "I've never objected! "

Define 'Wicker box':
What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Paris Hilton.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:56 AM

Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair  styled for a trip
to Rome with  her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who  responded:

" Rome ?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded  and dirty..
You're crazy to go  to Rome .  So, how are you getting  there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?"  exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight  attendants are ugly, and
they're always late.  So, where are you staying  in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't  go any further. I know that place.   Everybody thinks its
gonna be something  special and exclusive, but it's really a  dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's  rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a  million other
people trying to see him.   He'll look the size of an  ant.

Boy,  good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're  going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a  hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip  to Rome.

"It  was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5  million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel,  the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were  overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their  owner's suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well,"  muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and  good, but I
know you didn't get to see the  Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to  meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind  as to step
into his private room and wait, the  Pope would personally greet  me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked  through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,  really!  What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f----ed up your hair?"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:52 AM

Can't Beat These Lawyers !!

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She tore
it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been up to??"

He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case
worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the jewellery you
wanted!"

She quickly fell on her knees apologising.
No one wins over a Lawyer, even someone called A WIFE.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:51 AM

Thursday, March 15, 2012

XX Geordie

 A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.


Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla

available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie

Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the

animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy

any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so

 Geordie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate  with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would

accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

·         "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin' on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

·         "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

·         "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as
Nuwcastle fans."

Once again it was agreed.

·         4. "And last of all", Geordie stated,

"You Gotta givvme another week to come up with the £500"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:44 AM

FUNNY TWO - LINERS

  The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

  Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

  A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

  Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

  There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

  They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?

  Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

  One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

  There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
And then it was too late

  Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:41 AM

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after
realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

One working girl told another,
"I had a customer today who promised me a seventeen carat ring, a twenty-one
carat bracelet, and a thirty-two carat necklace."
The other girl cautioned,
"Watch out, Deane. With all those carats he'll expect you to act like a
rabbit!"

Many Aussies prefer sheep to women because sheep don't get upset if you
screw their sisters.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've
been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he
mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put my
finger on it.


The difference between a mosquito and a blonde is
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Bob pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced,
"My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bob explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work.
Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the
postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, and several of the neighbourhood guys
came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

A Kinsey interviewer was questioning a Bronx housewife.
The question was:
"What do you think of Sex?"
"I wouldn't be without it," she replied. "It's one of the best department
stores in New York!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:39 AM

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Man to girl he met at the bar:
"How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods-but he got away.
Next morning, they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs
were on the bum.
Next day, the three ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke,
The second had a stroke,
But
The third wouldn't touch it.

Blondes are like pianos.
When they aren't upright, they're grand.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom.
He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and
swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some SOB Snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to
my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Bisexual:
A Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other.

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits
their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was
an insect, to which one of the boys replied
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. )

What do women call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive
man?
Gay!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then called
the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for
dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

I tried phone sex once,
But
The holes in the dialler were too small.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:01 AM

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Taxi story

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he
must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the
prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the
infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens
the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel."

 

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:18 PM

A Smart Reply..

Smart Reply: A 70 year old man asks his wife..."Do you feel sad when
you see me running after young girls?"  Wife replied, "No not at all,
even dogs chase cars they can't drive.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:04 AM

Monday, March 12, 2012

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN...

When George Burns was 80 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey .
 Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You  are
 always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
 Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do  when
 I do it."
 Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
 George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good  at
 it..."
 Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with
 me?"
 So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't  believe
 I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
 George said, "The second time is usually even better than the first
 time."
 Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
 George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my  testicles
 in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake  me up in
 thirty minutes..."
 When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
 herself with joy.
 She said, "Oh Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
 performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh
 My, Oh My!!!"
 George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold  my
 testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and  wake me
 in thirty minutes."
 Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
 batteries?"
 George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
 stole my wallet."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:35 AM

Is this our CMC?

Two municipal workers were working really hard on this warm sunny day.

One  of them was digging holes and the other guys would come along and fill
them up.

A passerby observed this for a while, puzzled by what he saw, went up to the
two workers and said 'One of you digs a hole and the other fills it up,
whats going on?'

To which the council worker replied 'The guy who plants the trees took the
day off'

(If you work for the council please accept my condolences)

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:29 AM

Saturday, March 10, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him,
"A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small
dick."
"Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth."

Girl asks her mother:
"What is sex?"
Mother:
"Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a meal in a
restaurant, and then you spend some time with him in the hotel room, sleep
with him once, and then each one go on his way and you have a hundred
dollars bill extra in your pocket."
Then the girl asks her mother:
"What is Super Sex?"
Mother:
"Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and a stylish
man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you a
sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar, and then you spend the night
together in bed and engage in sex more than once, and then you part with an
envelope containing a thousand dollars in your pocket."
And then the girl asks her mother:
"What is love?"
Mother:
"Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free."

What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!

My boss thrust a picture under my nose,
"What the hell is this?" he asked.
"Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me screwing your
wife. You know that's not real don't you? It's clearly been Photo shopped."
"What?" he said, relaxing slightly, "How can you tell?"
"Well, your wife's tits aren't that big and they've airbrushed out the mole
by her fanny.

A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, but all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually, he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store
across the way, heading for his shop.
The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and
unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content,
to the customer.
The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"
"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight,
I'm going to give it to her."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week, he came home rather
flustered.
"When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."
"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you
could write.

At a music store there was a sign stating, "Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:19 AM

Friday, March 09, 2012

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 4:53 PM

XX - Politically Correct

We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these
days, everyone is just SO FRIGGING TOUCHY...

So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in
a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:55 PM

BENGALI POEM

Actual poem written by a Bengali school teacher in 1920!! (not certain about
that).

May have seen this one earlier but certainly worth a second laugh.

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from my damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to  sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - 'Bannerjee be brave'
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting Bengalee
He bounding from cave like footballer Pele
I run shouting 'Kali Ma tumi kothay gele'
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer coming
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for my damn wife!!!!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:51 PM

International Women's Day

 Today is International Women's Day.
 That time of the year again to thank God you're not a woman.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:50 PM

XX ADULT PUNS!

The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who
did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences.
I guess she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! It was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke,
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

One day, we had a very confused, elderly patient sitting at the nursing
station.
We kept her near the nursing station so we could monitor her safety.
The woman kept insisting to all who could hear that she was pregnant and in
labour.
Our medical director came walking down the hall just in time to hear all the
commotion.
He began to assess her and interview her regarding her "labour pains."
He asked the patient exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age.
She gave him a very bewildered look and said matter-of-factly,
"Why, if you don't know by now, doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to
tell you!"

What do you call a man with a broken condom?
"Daddy."


This reputedly happened on The Newlywed Game:
The new groom was asked the weirdest place that the couple ever made
whoopie.
With confidence he replied,
"Got to be the butt, Bob."

An old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently
reprimanded by them for his free behaviour with the female servants.
Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence,
and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and
turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him, his next escapade would be
his last.
He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.
One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and on a search being made,
was discovered in the beer cellar buggering the page boy.
"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over
a new leaf."
"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out the window?
She didn't have the balls.

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner.
Once she stops sucking, change the fuckin' bag.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:48 PM

XX - ADULT PUNS!

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the
pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know
it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her
mother,
"Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best
friends are her legs."
Much to her mother's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter
announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you
that your best friends are your legs?"
"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends
must part."

At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential bed mate in turn
until one slapped him in the face.
"I'd like her," he said to the Madam.
"What on Earth was that all about?" she asked.
"Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me.
He said,
`Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.'"

A man says to his wife
"I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you?" wife replies.
"Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"

Pick up Lines:
If I told you that you had a great body,
Would you hold it against me?

Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-RR-lee) Laboratories, a leading
drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their trademarked
drugs.
They were all prefixed with leder:
Ledercillian, Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and
so on.
They even came up with a birth control drug, called it Lederalone.

The husband was watching late-nite TV, and his wife had gone to bed.
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs back to see what
was wrong with his wife. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife yells,
"That guy just screwed me twice!"
He asks,
"Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"
She answered,
"Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male
anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:47 PM

Thursday, March 08, 2012

XXXX - UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation  and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next
day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd
had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied,'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up
or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fxxk or drown'

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:57 PM

All you Lotharios and Philanderers

A TIP FROM A GENIUS

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW
BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it
to the charger.


Give that man a medal !!!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:24 AM

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Best excuse by a female employee !

My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank,
says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received
in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee,
at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010. He says
when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous
day, she simply replied .......

" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday
and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our
medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now
how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:27 PM

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
And the deer and the antelope play,
And I'll show you a home filled with all kinds of shit.

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant."
He asked,
"How did this happen, my child?"
She said,
"I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
"What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."

Many secretaries are unsuited for their work.


If the church sign stating
"The Best Position Is On Your Knees" is correct,
Then, why isn't that called
'The Missionary Position'?

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
Once again, the son goes back to play.
A short time later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the
more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

The cost of living has now gotten so bad
That my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone
call.
It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into
quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came
back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't
worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered,
"Yes, but from an IUD?"

You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

The squeaking of the bedsprings increased in intensity.
Then, silence.
Her quiet voice broke the stillness of the darkened room.
"I'm not myself tonight," she insisted.
"Well, whoever you are," he sighed, "it certainly is an improvement."

If Guinevere gave Lancelot,
I wonder how much Galahad.

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
He says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:19 AM

XX - ADULT PUNS!

The most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a comfort to a
patient nervously awaiting a circumcision is,
"It won't be long now."

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to
calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before," he asked?
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

I got up at half time and went into the bathroom to make room for some more
beer.
When I came out my wife said,
"Did you wash your hands?"
I said,
"No. Why make such a big deal about it?"
"Well, you went to the bathroom, your hands are dirty," she complained, "Go
back and wash them!"
"I don't know what you're complaining about, I didn't touch anything in
there you haven't had in your mouth!"
I slept on the couch that night.

The first effort towards sexual application in the genetic engineering of
food is,
To imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean into a cucumber to
create the world's first organic vibrator.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope."
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when
they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous
of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open
and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.
"What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said,
"Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, & necrophilia but he finally
gave it up.
He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.

A girl scout troop on a hiking trip in a National forest suddenly came upon
a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back" cried the leader! "There's a very dangerous beast out
there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed
happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err, if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration. Yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm
gonna try for next!"

If necessity is the mother of invention,
Then, frustration is the father of masturbation!

It's not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered
me into the full-body scanner and yelled out,
"If you've got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold
it in your hand!"
She could have been more specific!!

Those who keep saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen
Obviously, don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:16 AM

The blue pigeon

The Mayor of London, England was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London  was full of
pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive
on the roads. It  was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or,  you can
pay me one million pounds to ask one  question.'

The  mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free  proposition.

The  next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his
coat, and  released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London  sky.

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air
behind the bird. The London pigeons followed  the blue pigeon as she flew
eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the  plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented
him with a check for 1 million pounds and  told the man that, indeed, he did
have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man
had rid the city of pigeons, he  decided to pay the 1 million just to get to
ask ONE  question.

The  man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE  question.

The  mayor asked:  'Do you have a blue Pakistani ?"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:42 AM

Monday, March 05, 2012

The Kiwi Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment
to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the
way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he
drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering
bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment
in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the
wall screamed,

'For f..k's sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three
in the f..king morning!!!'

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:38 AM

20.Reasons : WHY WE SRI LANKANS CAN NEVER HIJACK A PLANE

1. We are always late & would've in the first place missed the flight
planned for the hijack.


2. The hand carry baggage with weapons would've weighed over 15 Kg &
would've been put as checked baggage.


3. We will trip over the boarding steps, call it 'bad luck' & postpone
the mission.

4. A passenger will spot our guns through the 'sili sili' bags.

5. We would talk loudly & bring attention to ourselves.

6. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.

7. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

8. We would want the pilot to divert the plane to go over our house.

9. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

10. We would argue who will win the next election & start a fight on the plane.

11. We can't keep a secret and we would've told everyone a week before
doing what we intend.

12. Before take-off we would want to put the Lion flag on the windshield.

13. We would have postponed the mission bcoz a cricket match was going on.

14. We would have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being
taken with the hostages.

15. We would be looking at the air hostesses and not the hostages.


16.  Soon as we board we would demand Arrack & created such a rumpus
that we'd be off-loaded.

17. We would want to throw the sardines with tomato sauce through the
emergency door.

18. We would argue about the auspicious time, when we are over another
time zone.

19. We would find that 25% of the hostages are our relatives or
somebody's somebody.

20. A sweet thing will call us 'aiya' and the whole mission will be forgotten.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:37 AM

Irish pubs are the best

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals, when you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,
all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that
you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, the Irishman
swore every word was true.

They said "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:36 AM

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Ah, the Australian Genie

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb
making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck
in his bum!

If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable.
Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is  permanently stuck in
my bum.'

'I  do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab explains, 'I  was walking along Russell Street and tripped
over an oil  lamp.
  There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man  in an Australian Flag
attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He  said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish only...'

I  said, 'No shit?'

God  Bless Australia

 

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 9:33 AM

Thursday, March 01, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

You can tell when a Scotchman is in love by the tilt in his kilt.

In a check out line the other day, a couple ahead of me were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay.
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy,
"Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked,
"What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

I visited a cat house where business was so bad they couldn't even afford beds.
It was very embarrassing.
Every time customers came in, the girls were floored.

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up, Dave" asked the Landlord "It's not like you to be so down
in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just
the same, forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the
landlord, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that" continued the customer, " but it's far worse
than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next
door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man, "the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Everyone has heard of Elvis the Pelvis, but few people know that he
had a brother Enos.

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife:
"Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good
news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!"
His wife said:
"$25,000.00 in severance pay? That's great! Now, what's the bad news?"
He said:
"Wait till you hear what was severed!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man asked his wife after making love,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She casually replied,
"You're never home!"

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at
him, she said,
"Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

Pick up Lines:
"Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:01 AM

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

Our local prostitutes claim they don't sell sex.
They tell the court that they sell condoms with free demonstrations.

Severely constipated, Ammar went to the doctor and was given a prescription
for suppositories.
Never having used them in the old country, Ammar proceeded to eat one a day
for a week.
Still constipated, he went back to the doctor who looked at him with
amazement.
"I can't believe it. A week of these and you still haven't moved your
bowels."
He threw up his hands.
"Are you sure you used the entire box?"
Snarling with disgust, Ammar said,
"What the hell you think I do, shove them up my ass?"

When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee.
But I love to be served TWA tea.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce
proceeding begin at one against is young wife.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the
magnate.
"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't
a piece of property, you do not own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
drilling rights!"

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the
hospital.
"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is
reading all your magazines, and Sharon is screwing the boss."

Rubber chicken:
Someone who is afraid of using condoms.

When my neighbour proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a
horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.
He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything since she
had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch in Nevada.

I want to do another reality show based on 'The Mole', but it's really about
STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases -- and it's called,
'God, I Hope That's a Mole'.

He:
"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
 She:
"That's a good idea. You stand by the stove and sink, while I sit on the
sofa and do nothing but fart"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:01 AM

Trust

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she
enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he
says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our
bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?""

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:58 AM

Value Engineering

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with
the buyers and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of
the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external
engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project
followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP,
and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had
a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone
in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that
would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed
less than it should.  The line would stop, someone would walk over,
remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start
the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty
boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the
number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was
consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.  He
had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as
accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the
line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead
of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the
empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor
what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance,
put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell
rang."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:48 AM

Saturday, February 25, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.

We live in a crazy world.
Turn the men upside down and they're all nuts.
Turn the women upside down and they're all cracked.
Turn them both upside down and they're all screwy.

A pair of stage-door johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the
dressing room.
"Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with
that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."

The difference between light and hard is:
 You can sleep with a light on.

A woman asked the Doctor,
"What is a good time for sex?"
Doctor winked and said,
"Between noon and 1 PM."
Surprised woman asked,
"And how it is that, Doctor?"
Doctor said,
"Well, that is the time, my nurse goes to lunch."

Pick up Lines:
I love every bone in your body.
Especially mine!

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff.
"You claim that the defendant stole your money from your stocking?"
"That's right, Your Honour,"
"Well, why didn't you resist?"
The girl blushed and lowered her eyes. "I didn't know he was after my money,
Your Honour."

If I were ever date raped I would want it to be to;
'Whole Lotta Love' by Led Zeppelin.(

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon,
People are going to think we are nuts.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's vigour and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said,
"Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said,
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said,
"I want 5 loaves."
She said,
"My goodness, 5 loaves -- by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be
hard. "
He replied,
"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Down with pants!
Up with miniskirts!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 1:31 PM

Friday, February 24, 2012

Dating in the 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date
with Peggy.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.  Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade?  Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Berni
Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.  'Oh yes,' the mother
continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw,
again and again !!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let
her!'  'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail.She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy burst into the house and


slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.  'The
bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 3:01 PM

SPACE IS VITAL IN SUCCESSFUL MARRIED LIFE

A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.

She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS.
The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks":p.

Moral:- Space is essential in every successful married life!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:36 AM

X Be Ambidextrous

‎'A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand!" '

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:35 AM

Thursday, February 23, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

In days of old
When knights were bold
And no one was particular,
They lined them all
Against the wall
And f*cked them perpendicular!

Brutus:
"How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
Caesar:
"Et TU, Brutus."

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in:
'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
And the computer will say,
'Specify type of goat.'"

Another name for pickled bread is;
Dill-dough.

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks
for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three
times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a
psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a
gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a
stamp collector. God I miss him"


Macho:
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken.
Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer
is doing.
When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks:
"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers,
"He's going to focus!"
The second cries,
"Both of us?"

Pick up Lines:
I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mom said:
"You should say 'No!' They only want to look at your undies."
Susie said:
"I know they do, that's why I take them off first and hide them in my
backpack."

Once a king, always a king,
But
Once a knight's enough.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:13 AM

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

X Life...............

Life is like a Dick :—

Simple,

Straight,

Relaxed and Hanging Freely,

It's the Women who make it Hard.....

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:55 AM

XX - ADULT PUNS!

This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see.
You cannot tell a he from she,
But he can tell, and so can she.
The little bee is never still,
So has no time to take the pill-
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.

Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than Not to fart and bear the pain.

A policeman pulls over a lady that is driving past the speed limit. He asks
the lady,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
She replies,
"Because you want to sell me tickets to the policemen's ball?"
He says,
"No we don't have balls"
She says with raised eyebrows and she stares down at the family jewels,
"Oh, really!!??"
He blushes and lets her go.

It seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing
the state's tourist hotline. They get 58 cents an hour when people call and
they tell people what to visit in New Jersey.
And, for $2.99 a minute, they'll tell you what they're going to do to you
when you get there.

Pick up Lines:
"Do you sleep on your stomach?"
"NO!"
"Can I?"

An attractive young medical student was having coffee with her girlfriend
and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual appetite.
"I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured.
"And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more
intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?"
The assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a
cigarette."

My first wife was a schoolteacher.
She didn't call it 'premature ejaculation.'
She called it 'an Incomplete'.

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do
it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very
costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

"Balls!" said the queen. "If I had them, I'd be king!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he noticed about her was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism zipper,
buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me, miss," he asked, "but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "it would help if you can start out by buying me a
drink."

Among the many reasons why older women are the best lovers is that:
They don't smell,
They don't yell,
They don't tell,
They don't swell- and
They're grateful as hell!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:54 AM

Friday, February 17, 2012

XX = ADULT PUNS!

There once was a rug-weaver from Karthoum,
Who used to carry young boys to his room.
In the height of his fever,
This Suitenese weaver.
Is what we call a fruit-of-the-loom.

Pick up Lines:
Call me Fred Flintstone,
Because I'll make your Bedrock.

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

A teacher said to her little student Susie,
"Punctuate the following sentence:
Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Susie thought for a moment and began her reply,
"Let's see, 'Fun period. Fun period. Fun no period. Worry, worry, worry!'"

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook,
"The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place
is . .. An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans
and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked,
"What are the bean s for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Vibrator:
Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the
baby stutter when it starts to talk.

Finally, having scraped enough money together for a trip to the
Bahamas, Todd arrived, only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted
to stay, the St. Regis, charged $200 a day.
Although that included a continental breakfast, the pool and free
golf, he simply couldn't afford that much money.
Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit as
nice, but it only cost $50 a day.
Settling in, he decided to get in a few rounds of golf before sunset.
Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of
balls from the pro shop.
"That will be $100," said the man behind the counter.
"What?" screamed Todd. "That is outrageous! They're free at the St. Regis!"
"Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get you by the rooms.
We get you by the balls!"

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

An officer was called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at a local bar.
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, sergeant," the man said to the
policeman. "you see, this woman and I were drinking at the bar and she
asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

It didn't take long for the feminists in the office to get up in arms
about the notice posted in the executive lounge:
"Any vice-president whose secretary is ill or on vacation may take
advantage of the girls who work the reception desk.

A little boy walks in on mommy and daddy having sex.
He asks,
"What are you doing?"
Mom responds,
"I am letting the air out of daddy's stomach."
The boy replies,
"Why mommy! When you leave, the neighbour girl comes over and blows it
right back up!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:51 AM

Have a laugh!

If my body was a car, I would definitely be trading it in for a newer model
I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my paint job is splattered with
varicose veins
My headlights are out of focus. My traction is not as graceful as it once was
My head cloth is now grey. My gearbox is just about seized up
It takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason
But worst of all is every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires..!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:43 AM

Thursday, February 16, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

My wife told me she'd like to be completely pampered for Valentine's
Day, and I'll do my best to oblige.
I only hope she's okay with the fact that in her size, I could only
find Depends.

Ladies of the Evening have their share of the currently fashionable
neuroses just like everyone else.
But they have one complaint about psychiatrists that the rest of us do
not share.
One such lady of the night puts it this way:
"This is the only guy I know who tells me to lay down on a couch and
then sends me a bill."

Women don't like basketball players as lovers
Because
They always dribble before they shoot.

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my
friend, a gynaecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read,
"Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So, when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked,
"You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

The difference between a man and a condom is:
Condoms have changed.
They're no longer thick and insensitive.


A survey found that 58% people want to have sex more than 7 times a week.
But the figure dropped drastically to 3% when the words "with wife" were added.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex,
No matter what she's reading.

George goes to a marriage counselor and says,
"My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says,
"Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied George.
The counselor says,
"Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted"

Pick up Lines:
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:45 AM

XX ADULT PUNS!

Anybody who allows himself to be buried is making a fuel of himself,
While anyone who allows himself to be cremated makes an ash of himself.

Vickie and John had split-up a few weeks ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, John slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she
could do to help.
John said,
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
Vickie readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.


Pick up Lines:
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers?
Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men
to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a
bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and
away they go t o the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her,
"Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand job.

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop
teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the class.
Judy replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, because I've never been 'bolted'."

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced
tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

Did you see the movie about a woman who uses a wooden vibrator?
It is called,
"Love Is A Many Splintered Thing."

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, "
Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?"
Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and
intelligent," explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked,
"So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And
then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his
house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out
his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with
the clinical terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:53 AM

The Wisdom of Winston Churchill on Whisky (What poetry...)

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky.

Here's how he answered:

"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the
mouths of little  children; if you mean that evil drink that topples
men and women  from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living
into the  bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness,
and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre
of my being.

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the
philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when
good fellows get together, that  puts a song in their hearts and the
warm glow of contentment in  their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the
stimulating sip that puts a  little spring in the step of an elderly
gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man
to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and
heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours
into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides
tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our
dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways,
hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then
my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as  always, I refuse to compromise on
matters of principle."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:51 AM

Why God doesn't have a PhD?

1)  He had only one major publication.

2)  It was in Hebrew.

3)  It had no references.

4)  It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5)  Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6)  It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7)  His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8)  The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9)  He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10) When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
his     subjects.

11) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12) Some say he had his son teach the class.

13) He expelled his first two students for learning.

14) He rarely came to class, and he just told students to read the book.

15) Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.

16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:51 AM

Irish Railway Company

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a
customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass.
That..... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:46 AM

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Scary Statistic !!!

25% of all women are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.. as it means 75% are running around with no
medication at all !!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 12:16 PM

A Lawyer And A Senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out
a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the
$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior
up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.


Don't mess with old farts!

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:58 AM

Women

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

 

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:57 AM

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Relativity

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things
that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing
on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling
and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man
didn't
have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that
guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 10:54 AM

Friday, February 10, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," said the stern
mother to her wild daughter.
"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."


Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19.
Today, she asked her Aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy
and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble
on my boyfriend."
"Swallow," her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
I said,
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

A young boy asked his mother,
"Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know,
with separate parts you put together?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered,
"The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said
that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me,
"Do you want some of this?"
So I said,
"No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th
wedding anniversary.
The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER"
Later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on
the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"

The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his desk and allow him to have sex with her.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when he finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:24 AM

Laugh it out

Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free

After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking
How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...

"Which Trip?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss
ur problems, no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do
this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.

She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:

"Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:

"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 11:21 AM

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

XX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Don't let your affection give you an infection.
Put some protection on that erection.

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."

Pick up Lines:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician
pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest.
"What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse.
"Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend
to be smaller than others."
"It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod
and spoil the child."

Raggedy Ann was thrown out of the toy box for sitting on Pinocchio's
face, and moaning,
"Lie to me!"

When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard
that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady
of the evening, they were stunned and shocked.
"Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of
our kinfolk having to work for a living!"

Secretary:-
A stenographer who watches her periods.

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get
out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."


A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful
everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend.
Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked
him how it went.
"Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumours! That guy
isn't my best friend. In fact I don't even know him!"

The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills is to;
Give her a good tongue-lashing.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 1:13 PM

Free Sex with Fill-Up

 A gas station owner in Mississippi  was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that  read,
"Free Sex with  Fill-Up."

Soon a local  redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.  If he guessed
correctly he would get his
free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor  said,"You were close! The
number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

  A week later, the same redneck, along  with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

 The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to  guess
the correct  number.

The redneck guessed  2 this time. The  proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game  is RIGGED, and he  doesn't really give away
FREE Sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE Thelma won twice  last week"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 1:12 PM

Monday, February 06, 2012

Ugly Woman

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a
boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this
life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and
all men will fall at your feet."

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she
thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane
didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost
her senses
and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very
well as she lost her glasses, and not knowing where she was, she
started
touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a
huge smile on her face,

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:06 PM

A Mental Problem...

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all
the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do;
he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple
problem... no wonder youare destined to be a truck driver..."
"Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and
fix it onto this tyre.  Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace
the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked:"You're s o smart but why are
you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:06 PM

Friday, February 03, 2012

Laffs

A poster at a Peace rally in Mumbai:
"Politicians divide us and Terrorists unite Us"

Who is a Psychiatrist?
A qualified person who gives you an expensive & critical analysis
about yourself, which your Spouse gives you for free, daily.


If you can't find the right words for certain situations, just give a smile…

Words may confuse, but a SMILE always convinces…

If ever in life you love two people at the same time, go for the second person..
If you really ever loved the first person, you would never fall in love again


 "If one really wants to achieve, he will find a way out of everything.
If not, he will find an excuse out of something…!


Scotch is a brilliant invention….
One double and you start feeling Single again.


Notice at Church:
Do not leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl-friends UN-ATTENDED
Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

Global Recession and Financial Crisis have become so critical and
serious now days that……
majority of the men have started loving their own wives!!!!!!


A Priest is called as a Father
A Bishop your Grace
A Cardinal, your Eminence…
Even a Pope is called as, His Highness.
But only a 36 – 24 – 36 in a Bikini is called as "OH MY GOD"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:05 PM

Idiot's Rules of Life

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps,
Not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch,
Don't feel the flame to see if it's  sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
Don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature,
Stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
Press on the flat end.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
There is no need to report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.

1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
Don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many, many times.

If you found ANY of the above rules useful,
Under no circumstances should you EVER reproduce.

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:02 PM

Only in South Africa!!

A school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the
local schools in Soweto

He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you
are by allowing him to ask you a question."

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence, the children all just
stare at him blankly

Eventually Sipho raises his hand, the Inspector points excitedly to him

Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls
of Jericho, but it wasn't me"

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation, she says: Well,
I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if
he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to
the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise
every now and then with his teacher and I believe her, if she feels
that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing, he grabs the phone on
the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education and relates
the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education
standard in the school

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena, you know I'm very
busy, I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, just get
three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 2:02 PM

Thursday, February 02, 2012

XX - ADULT PUNS!

There was a young poof from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom.

Headquarters:
The room where enlisted women blow the officers.

One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his tool out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a
woman sitting on the can.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed!
Scott waved his tool at her and said,
"So is this!"


A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat
and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers.
"That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop.
Ruth says to Golda,
"Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks
the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth,
"So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your
Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers,
"God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his
engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time
he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know,
Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,
"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes
is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Contrary to popular belief,
Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.


At the seafood restaurant, I asked the waitress if she had crabs.
She told me to have a seat, she'd be right with me!

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed, but wishing to please her, he reached
cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that everyone in the room was watching him,
and he whispered to the girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."

"Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife.
The whole street was watchin' an' laughin' yesterday."
"Well, the joke's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday!"

Read More...

Posted by Meister Joker at 1:03 PM

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