XX ADULT PUNS!

The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who
did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences.
I guess she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! It was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke,
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

One day, we had a very confused, elderly patient sitting at the nursing
station.
We kept her near the nursing station so we could monitor her safety.
The woman kept insisting to all who could hear that she was pregnant and in
labour.
Our medical director came walking down the hall just in time to hear all the
commotion.
He began to assess her and interview her regarding her "labour pains."
He asked the patient exactly how she could have become pregnant at her age.
She gave him a very bewildered look and said matter-of-factly,
"Why, if you don't know by now, doctor, I don't feel like it's my place to
tell you!"

What do you call a man with a broken condom?
"Daddy."

This reputedly happened on The Newlywed Game:
The new groom was asked the weirdest place that the couple ever made
whoopie.
With confidence he replied,
"Got to be the butt, Bob."

An old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently
reprimanded by them for his free behaviour with the female servants.
Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence,
and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and
turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him, his next escapade would be
his last.
He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.
One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and on a search being made,
was discovered in the beer cellar buggering the page boy.
"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over
a new leaf."
"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out the window?
She didn't have the balls.

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner.
Once she stops sucking, change the fuckin' bag.