XX - ADULT PUNS!

The most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a comfort to a
patient nervously awaiting a circumcision is,
"It won't be long now."

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to
calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before," he asked?
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

I got up at half time and went into the bathroom to make room for some more
beer.
When I came out my wife said,
"Did you wash your hands?"
I said,
"No. Why make such a big deal about it?"
"Well, you went to the bathroom, your hands are dirty," she complained, "Go
back and wash them!"
"I don't know what you're complaining about, I didn't touch anything in
there you haven't had in your mouth!"
I slept on the couch that night.

The first effort towards sexual application in the genetic engineering of
food is,
To imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean into a cucumber to
create the world's first organic vibrator.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope."
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when
they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous
of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open
and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.
"What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said,
"Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, & necrophilia but he finally
gave it up.
He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.

A girl scout troop on a hiking trip in a National forest suddenly came upon
a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back" cried the leader! "There's a very dangerous beast out
there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed
happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err, if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration. Yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm
gonna try for next!"

If necessity is the mother of invention,
Then, frustration is the father of masturbation!

It's not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered
me into the full-body scanner and yelled out,
"If you've got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold
it in your hand!"
She could have been more specific!!

Those who keep saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen
Obviously, don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.