XX ADULT PUNS!

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," said the stern
mother to her wild daughter.
"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19.
Today, she asked her Aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy
and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble
on my boyfriend."
"Swallow," her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
I said,
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

A young boy asked his mother,
"Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know,
with separate parts you put together?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered,
"The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said
that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me,
"Do you want some of this?"
So I said,
"No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th
wedding anniversary.
The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER"
Later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on
the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"

The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his desk and allow him to have sex with her.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when he finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."