Idiot's Rules of Life

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps,
Not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch,
Don't feel the flame to see if it's  sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
Don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature,
Stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
Press on the flat end.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
There is no need to report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.

1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
Don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many, many times.

If you found ANY of the above rules useful,
Under no circumstances should you EVER reproduce.