XX ADULT PUNS!

Anybody who allows himself to be buried is making a fuel of himself,
While anyone who allows himself to be cremated makes an ash of himself.

Vickie and John had split-up a few weeks ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, John slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she
could do to help.
John said,
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
Vickie readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

Pick up Lines:
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers?
Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men
to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a
bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and
away they go t o the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her,
"Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand job.

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop
teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the class.
Judy replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, because I've never been 'bolted'."

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced
tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

Did you see the movie about a woman who uses a wooden vibrator?
It is called,
"Love Is A Many Splintered Thing."

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, "
Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?"
Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and
intelligent," explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked,
"So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And
then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his
house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out
his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with
the clinical terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."