XX - ADULT PUNS!

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,
And the deer and the antelope play,
And I'll show you a home filled with all kinds of shit.

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,
"I'm pregnant."
He asked,
"How did this happen, my child?"
She said,
"I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked,
"What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied,
"Because I swallowed the first one."

Many secretaries are unsuited for their work.

If the church sign stating
"The Best Position Is On Your Knees" is correct,
Then, why isn't that called
'The Missionary Position'?

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
Once again, the son goes back to play.
A short time later, he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the
more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

The cost of living has now gotten so bad
That my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone
call.
It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into
quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came
back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't
worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered,
"Yes, but from an IUD?"

You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

The squeaking of the bedsprings increased in intensity.
Then, silence.
Her quiet voice broke the stillness of the darkened room.
"I'm not myself tonight," she insisted.
"Well, whoever you are," he sighed, "it certainly is an improvement."

If Guinevere gave Lancelot,
I wonder how much Galahad.

A man calls 911 and says
"I think my wife is dead".
The operator says,
"How do you know?"
He says
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"