XX - ADULT PUNS!

Man to girl he met at the bar:
"How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods-but he got away.
Next morning, they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs
were on the bum.
Next day, the three ladies were confronted by a flasher.
The first had a stroke,
The second had a stroke,
But
The third wouldn't touch it.

Blondes are like pianos.
When they aren't upright, they're grand.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the bathroom.
He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and
swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some SOB Snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to
my head."
"Damn! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Bisexual:
A Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other.

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits
their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was
an insect, to which one of the boys replied
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. )

What do women call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive
man?
Gay!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then called
the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for
dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he
was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the
Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!"

I tried phone sex once,
But
The holes in the dialler were too small.