Daily Laughs

1. Village Blacksmith   (From the classic files!)
The village blacksmith was breaking in a new apprentice.  
He told him:

"I'll take the hot horseshoe out of the fire. When I nod my head, begin to hammer on it."
 And, that is how the apprentice became the new village blacksmith.

3. Good News Bad News.
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good.
Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow.
But, then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news. Private Brabant will be driving a truck."

 

Bonus Joke:
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
 -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist

 

I bet ya' didn't know!
The Hollywood thoroughfare that gave its name to a classic Billy Wilder film starring Gloria Swanson is Sunset Boulevard.
The captain of the JOLLY ROGER was James Hook.

Who Gets Saved?
Q : George and Laura are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A : The nation.

Clever Phrases!

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you  the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer:

Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for re-modelling." **caution** - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.