Brilliant puns!

For those who enjoy punning... or severe distortions of the English language:

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

 She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.