Adult Daily Humor

Joke #1
Some Thoughts on Marriage.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied:

"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he's finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father:

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied:

"I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

Young Son:

"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad:

"That happens in every country, son."

 

Then, there was a man who said:

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating.
The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks And the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak And the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband:

"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied:

"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

"Wife wanted".
Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend:

"It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied:

"A billionaire".

God says to Adam:

"What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like her to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam,

"Well what can I get for a rib?"

Joke #2
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America. Yet, you also created that ghastly Windows '95.  I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied:

"Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said:

"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. 

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. 

The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. 

He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God.  "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. 
It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmmm.  I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. 
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment:
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?!"
"Oh, that?....... That was a DEMO," replied God.

 

 

Building An Empire.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

"Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then, my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."