XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a Fuck.

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
 'What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, She just said, "I can't believe I have a per son inside me!"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

Just because you are getting older does not mean that you are getting weaker
and less intelligent;
They are just making things harder to open.
For example, women's thighs.

A woman asked her doctor,
"What is a good time for sex?"
The doctor winked and then replied,
"Between 12 noon and 1 PM."
Surprised, the woman asked,
"And how it is that, doctor?"
The doctor, smiling, responded,
"Well, that is the time my nurse goes to lunch."

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
flight attendant.
At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced
"The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked
you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply.
Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the
tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said
"In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied
"Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch!
So put the tray up!"

According to research,
Sex during pregnancy is always safe unless your wife comes home and catches
you.

Three old friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went
to sleep along side to each other.
Morning came!
The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by the morning sun and said,
"Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young and
beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night." The guy who slept on
the other side said,
"That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in
Hawaii. I met a beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job
ever!"
The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation.
"Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of
the time where we all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"

Artificial insemination:
Impregnation without representation.