XX ADULT PUNS!

In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly
masturbating.
Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get
himself off.

A Christian family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the
dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honoured guest.
The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating
dinner already.
The daughter hesitated,
"But Mom!"
After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer.
She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm.
She was also screaming,
"Oooh, God! Ooooh, Jimmy! Oooh, God! Jimmy! Oh God, oh God!"
All of a sudden, her mother stopped her.
"What's gotten into you?"
She seemed embarrassed and surprised.
The daughter then said to her mother,
"What? That's what I hear you pray!"

Confucius Say:
Learn to masturbate.
It comes in handy.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly,
"Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing
against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round.
When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of
young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.
From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?"
We checked out that night.

How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day.
Basically, he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more
than that.
So, he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn
more about them.
As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms
for sale.
The pharmacist replied,
"Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied, I'll take three then."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to
one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said,
"Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were
three for a dollar."
The pharmacist replied,
"That's the tax we put on them."
Little Johnny said,
"Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

"Well," exclaimed the young woman as she and her date left the movie
theater,
"That certainly was exciting! I wonder if the film was any good.