XX ADULT PUNS!

Underwater sex can be tricky.
Every submarine captain knows that failing to properly secure a hatch can
result in an unwanted discharge of sea men.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him.
Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Mistress:
Someone who's halfway between a mister and a mattress.

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and
she made a point of calling her dates attention to it over and over again
throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that were here alone in my
apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Cure for haemorrhoids, a real pain in the ass?
A real Jalapeño in the ass. (Rich Orwell)

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break
room.
Making matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this back story,
So, I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the
community board:
"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found
my clothes."

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean
You have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating
several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So, the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got
married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be?
Pregnant.