XX ADULT PUNS!

As to sex, she just wasn't that great,
So in bed, they played chess until late.
Wife did not want to screw.
What was hubby to do?
He was stuck with a real stalemate.
(Kirk Miller)

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

They kicked the midget out of the nudist colony,
Because
He was getting into everybody's hair.

A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and
exclaimed,
"Wowie!"
A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look.
She said,
"Oh, my God!"
Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall and moved her out of the way.
He took a look and said,
"I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"

Things you learn in Porn films:
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and
find a cock there.

A minister who believed in the power of advertising had a sign in front of
his Church,
"If you are tired of sin, come in."
An enterprising young lady who also believed in advertising added to the
bottom of the sign,
"If you're not, call Cathy at 213-789-2654."

My sister is asthmatic.
Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
He said,
"Did I call you or did you call me?"

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cubs "Lovable
Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
In order to be able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on
the balls."

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King didn't cover his Whopper

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education.
Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, Farmer
Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw. I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly.
"After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education,
you still say ain't!"

Eva is talking to her best friend.
"I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant," Eva says.
"I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend says.
Eva replies,
"He did!"