XX ADULT PUNS!
A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.
"Christian or Muslim?" the salesman inquires.
The man asks,
"What's the difference?"
The salesman says,
"The Muslim one blows herself up."
Joan on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer
programmer sitting next to her.
"Where are you going?" asks Joan.
"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport.
"How was the flight?" he asks.
"Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."
"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"
"He didn't have any testicles."
"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"
"Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."
I'm not saying she's easy,
But she's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling
dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said,
"Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded,
"Don't be such a a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in
love?"
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to,
'pleasure' himself.
He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens
his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what
he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes
him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So, the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander
round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar,
"Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies
the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."
To cancel an appointment at the sperm bank,
Call them up and tell them you can't come.
A teenager shares a room with his kid brother -- he's got the upper bunk and
the kid has the lower bunk.
One night, the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins
having sex with
her in the top bunk.
She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers:
"Look, don't be going 'harder,' 'deeper,' my brother might hear and tell on
us. If you want it harder say 'tomatoes,' and if you want it deeper say
'lettuce.'"
So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming
"LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."
Next morning, the kid says to his brother
"Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful -- last
night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano.
A wise man gives his wife an upright organ.
A Hillbilly walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they carried
birth control pills.
The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were
for women.
The man acknowledged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year
old daughter.
The pharmacist asked,
"Is your daughter sexually active?"
The man thought for a moment and responded,
"No, she just lays there like her mother."
